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So I took an Adderall about an hour ago, blew through my Environmental Sustainability homework with style, panache, and pessimism, and now I'm working on my thesis. I am planning on giving myself breaks every page or two. My reward for finishing the section on creativity will be a shower. My reward for finishing the section on medication will be... I don't know, something good. Maybe I'll let myself go smoke a bowl after Yoga tonight, if I even go to Yoga. I think I was planning on skipping it. I'm definitely skipping all my other classes except for Choir because if I skip Choir then Johengen is going to send me a pointed, bitchy email, and I don't want that to happen. None of my other professors will give me shit for cutting class. Santos will fail me if I miss more than one yoga class, but after this week we only have like three more sessions, I'm fully capable of attending three more sessions unless something terrible happens like I come down with bronchitis or mono or break a leg or something. Although if I break a leg, I have bigger problems than a stupid Yoga class I don't even need the credit for, because this campus is almost completely non-handicapped accessible and I can't think of anything worse than trying to get around Macmillan and Zabriskie on crutches.

I just have to keep myself on task, because this is fucking awesome, I haven't had this much energy in weeks, and I don't really want to focus on work even though I know I have to and that was the whole point of taking the pill. I figure, I will do all the talking about one article that I can, and then maybe I can clean my desk because it's really messy and distracting, and then I can finish the other article and sort through the pile of stuff in front of my closet.

Speaking of my closet... I was a moron and placed a paper plate of cookies on top of a leather skirt, and the grease seeped through and basically ruined the skirt. The internet said "put talcum powder on it!" so I tried that, and it... kind of worked? not really. It still looks pretty bad. So either I'm just going to have to wear really long shirts over this skirt or just hope no one ever looks at my ass. Or tie a scarf over it, but I don't really have scarves like that. I have a lot of knitted scarves for keeping myself warm, but not pretty fabric scarves for accessorizing. I'm really upset with myself for doing something so stupid, but that was on Thursday night when I was fucking everything up, so it was pretty much bound to happen, if not that specifically then something equally dumbassed.

But it's nice to have friends remind you that you're not a total fuckup. Or tell you that something you forgot to do, they wouldn't have remembered to do either. Or just stand there and listen while you rant about your stupid fucked-up family for fifteen minutes. And hugs. Hugs are always nice. I'm soliciting hugs from everyone at this point. If I don't get at least five hugs a day, I have not been hugged enough. Shane hugs me a lot, Mary will hug me when I ask, I'm trying not to ask Phillip too often, Sabrina will hug me any time she sees me, Kathleen will hug me when I ask and she gives really good hugs because her boobs are amazing, I could probably beg hugs from Josh and Joe and Rebekah and Peter and Rita, and one day, I will get a hug from Will, but I don't want to ask him because what if he says no? then I would look super awkward. But I can't just spontaneously hug him, either. This is going to have to be a strategically planned hug.

Okay. I need to get back to work. Can't waste this energy. I will probably make a lot of LJ posts today because I made a resolution to only update Facebook once every thirty minutes and I have a lot to say. But maybe not, maybe I will be able to focus. That would be nice.

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So I completely forgot about this networking event that Career Services is holding tonight. And all that lovely energy and drive from the Adderall is gone. I got three or four pages done on my thesis, I've only got one section of chapter two left, and then chapters four and five, but five will be easy, it's just a conclusion. Four is going to be hard because that's when I'm going to need all the stuff with bipolar people talking about being bipolar and creative. So I have a couple of books about that, but I haven't read any of them. So I need to skim the fuck out of those, find relevant information, quote like a crazy person, and come up with some kind of conclusion that's better than "so... that's my paper... yep..."

But I just took a shower, and now I look nice, because this is supposed to be business dress, and I don't actually own any business dress so I'm just wearing my blue dress with leggings because it's going to be cold out even though it's 70 out now, and a cardigan over it.

But there is a better event coming up. It's called Semi-formal and it's the one excuse Wells students get to look really fancy. There's a dinner, a dessert reception, the acapella groups perform, and then there's a dance. Instead of going to the dance, I'm holding another Apples to Apples game-- a semiformal game! So all of my friends will be there looking fantastic, and I'm going to bring my camera and take pictures of people because I have to start putting together my page in the yearbook and I have no pictures for it yet. I don't want any pictures of just me alone. I need a nice picture of me and Shane, and I'd like to have one with Mary and one with Phillip and one with a bunch of my friends in it. And I can't take all of them at Semiformal... I'm probably going to get some at the Drag Show next semester too. xD

So my dress for Semiformal is all cream lace with gold and pearl buttons, and it has a sort of Mandarin-esque collar with a very modest cutout neckline, and I just found my foundation garments that I never wear so I'm going to look wicked skinny compared to how I usually do, my curves are going to pop, and I won a makeover from Jenna at Senior Auction so my makeup won't look amateurish like it always does when I put it on. My goal is to make people stop and stare. I want people who think "eh, she looks okay" usually say "holy shit, look at her." Ideally, I'd like to be eyecatching, but I'm not banking on being irresistable, considering who I'm going to be in competition with for the attention I want. But... it's more of a big deal when someone who wears t-shirts and pants all the time gets dressed up than when someone who dresses up four days a week gets dressed up.

I don't know. I want to catch him watching me. Is that so much to ask? I know I'm not as cute as she is, but cute isn't everything. There's something to be said for looking like an adult. Which is what I'm banking on because I can't pass as a teenager any more no matter how flattering my friends think they're being by telling me I look nineteen. I don't look nineteen. I don't really look twenty-six, I'd probably put myself around twenty-two or twenty-three when I don't look like I haven't slept in a week, but... I don't even know where I was going with this. I look like an adult because I am a fucking adult. I'm not cute. I don't want to be cute. I'd like to be beautiful, I'd settle for being mildly attractive, but I just am not satisfied until I hear it from one specific person, which means I'm probably never going to be satisfied.

Whatever. What have I learned today? I like Adderall. I understand why people do meth now. I'm not going to do meth, I'm not an idiot, but man, I would like to come up with a really convincing argument to get Giaccio to give me Adderall. I got him to give me Xanax easily enough, but I was legit having panic attacks and needed it. I'm not really so demotivated that I have an excuse to take amphetamines, except I am and I'm not getting anything done and I hate myself for it. "Hey doc, I'm going to kill myself if I fail this semester, give me the good stuff." Probably not going to fly. I'm probably going to try anyway, the next time I see him. I have to schedule an appointment before the end of the semester. And by then I won't need it any more, except then there's next semester to think about, and I haven't even talked about next semester, have I?

I do not get to take any of the classes I wanted to take next semester. I wanted to take Drugs and Behavior and a philosophy class on top of Foundations, which I have to take, and two more English classes which I need for my minor. I was resigned to taking British Poetry and Jane Austen specifically so I could take Drugs and Behavior, but then my advisor told me I needed one more 300 level psych course, and the only one I was even remotely interested in was Psychotherapy... which is at the same time as Austen, so I needed another English course, so I went with Lohn's course Adolescence and the Media, which is at the same time as Drugs and Behavior. So next semester looks like this: Foundations of Psychology, Psychotherapy, British Poetry, Adolescence and the Media, Choir. I might drop choir. If I do just those four classes then it's a 12-credit semester, which should be a cakewalk. It would be nice to have an easy last semester. I wanted to take a Book Arts class, but they're all at the same time as things I have to take, so... no.

I don't know, I need to shut up and stop whining about my life on LiveJournal. I have other things to do. Like cry in the bathroom. No, I'm not going to do that again, it's a joke. mostly.