Nov. 28th, 2011

  • 1:24 AM
femmealunettes: (pensive. : Chuck)
I am back at Wells. My dorm room feels more like home than the place my parents live. That's kind of sad, and that's going to make me miserable come May, but I'm just going to enjoy it while I'm here. I have 19 days left on campus before winter break starts, and I plan on fully taking advantage of all of those days by spending as much time with my friends as humanly possible. I will haul my computer to the library and do all my papers there just to get the fuck out of my room. I am not going to eat any meals alone if I can help it. I am going to all my club meetings and I am going to participate the fuck out of them.

But tomorrow I have things to do, most importantly calling the Women's Center to talk to their internship coordinator and seeing how far I can get with the paperwork for that before Tuesday, because Tuesday at 10 AM is when the internship scholarship form is due, and it would be really nice to get some money to support my sorry ass while I'm giving my unpaid labor to some worthy organization. Also calling Medicaid and getting on a specific plan, because I need to do that before December 2. And going to work for at least an hour or two. And three or four club meetings. And I have to finish reading Tales of the City before Wednesday morning, but I got most of the way through it in the car today.

Speaking of the car today... my parents bitched out of bringing me back, so it was just me and Rachael in the car for seven hours, which wasn't too bad because I had headphones and didn't have to listen to her super shitty blend of bad rap and worse country music. All Andrew Bird, ALL THE TIME. I have listened to The Mysterious Production of Eggs like four times today. Anyway, the whole trip we only got in two traffic jams and they both lasted less than thirty minutes each, so that was fine. I get along perfectly well with Rachael.

So... I am back, and I was in time for Spirit, and it was super fun and I think Alastair is a dumbass and is attracted to the Super Evil Lady of the campaign (because she's a fucking genetic engineer in 1927 and also she has cheekbones you could probably kill a person with) but I am keeping that to myself for now because if Phillip isn't going to call out my aspects in negative ways, I'm sure not going to hand him fuel to add to the fire underneath me. So far I have just been incredibly awesome, and this would really be very in character for Alastair but also would make him slightly less awesome. Or maybe more awesome, because it takes a lot of balls to be like "hey, when you're done trying to kill me with lasers, you want to go get dinner sometime?" I don't know, I'm certainly not going to get a chance to explore it this semester, so I'm just going to sit on it over J-term and maybe actually write something about Alastair and develop his character a little bit more. I dropped some backstory into the session today and now everyone thinks he's trying to bang his brother's widow and he is just shocked and appalled by the idea because THAT'S HIS BROTHER'S WIFE and he just wants to make sure she will live comfortably while she's raising his nephew to be awesome and, you know, he already steals things, why shouldn't he steal her something pretty?

So now it is like 1:30 and I still have to clean the rat cage and put away my clothes and wake up at some reasonable hour in the morning, so I should stop making LJ posts and go to bed. Just: I am happy to be back here, among my friends, despite the fact that I am going to be busy as fuck for the next 19 days.

Nov. 26th, 2011

  • 8:15 PM
femmealunettes: (busy writing : Russian Holmes)
Last night was unpleasant. I was supposed to go hang out at Amy-Beth's house, but I felt like hell and had Julia take me home after a half an hour. Spent part of the night watching Anderson Cooper talk about extreme discipline (oh so hilarious given who I used him as a PB for) and then watching Seth McFarlane express shock that anyone doesn't believe in evolution. Then I went the fuck to bed. Or I tried to, and then Rachael came home with Patricia and they wanted to watch a movie, so I went to sleep in Julia's room and slept for three hours... and then Julia came back at 1:30 and kicked me out of her bed, so I had to go back into Rachael's room to try to sleep on the chaise lounge, which did not work at all and I spent, oh, seven hours rolling from side to side, trying and failing to get comfortable enough to pass out, getting more and more miserable with every passing hour. By 9 I said fuck it and got up, and my mother was like "well, just go sleep in my bed." So I tried... and failed, for two more hours, and basically just laid there daydreaming for hours.

And then I came up to Rachael's room and grabbed my notebook and wrote about five pages of Riley and Zachariah and Connor getting ever closer to ending up in the bedroom. Actually, Riley just called Zachariah out as a masochist and a voyeur, and Connor's like "oh really? this is pertinent information."

So that's what I did instead of homework... laid more groundwork for epic threesome porn. I have SO MANY stories about these three started, and it's like... hmmm, what is canon and what did I just think about? which of these stories will I ever finish? is it bad to reference a story that may never get posted? more importantly, does anyone care? and how many of these are too cutesy, or contradict each other? like, one day I will eventually finish the one where Connor asks Riley to dance, so is it okay for me to reference that and post it later, however many months that may take? or should I keep posting them in chronological order?

And I think I'm going to go back and keep doing that until I go to bed. Tomorrow we're leaving for Aurora around noon, so I should be back at Wells in plenty of time for Spirit of the Century, hooray. (and really I should write something about Alastair because he is SO MUCH FUN.) But that gives me plenty of time to... I don't know, do all this reading I'm supposed to have done for Wednesday. Maybe write some more, if I can bring myself to write in a car that contains most of my family. Actually, that would be a good time to write about Alastair. I started writing something about him talking to his brother's widow, but I don't know where it is and anyway it was kind of sad, I should write something more awesome because he is awesome. Like, I should write about his first successful heist. That would be super fun!

Writer's Block: Black Friday

  • Nov. 25th, 2011 at 11:44 AM
femmealunettes: (drinking on top of the world : Nate)
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$50 worth of loose tea.

Teatime is going to be epic next semester.

Nov. 24th, 2011

  • 10:15 PM
femmealunettes: (never got the hang of Thursdays: Arthur)
So Thanksgiving went well. Aside from my immediate family and Ricky, Uncle Mike and Mikey came to dinner too, and then Kristen and Jason came by for a little while, and then my mother and I went to bring Amy-Beth a plate because she was too hungover to come eat with us. A lot of football was watched by male people, I finished reading Good Omens, there was a beautiful sunset. All very nice.

But I also found out that my mother-- who should be completely employable because she's an RN-- is having no luck getting a job. And my family's health insurance ends December 1st. And my family is now on food stamps because my mother can't get a job. And it looks like both the cars are on their way to breaking down. So now I'm really worried about my family.

But I got to meet Rachael's new cat, Mocha. Who is exceedingly friendly and purrs like anything, despite the fact that she's got a huge injury on one side that looks like a chunk was torn out of her. Apparently it's healed a lot from how bad it was when Rachael found her in August, but it's still really bad. She's wearing a cone of shame, poor thing, there's nothing more pitiful than watching her try to lick herself and only getting the cone.

Rachael and Julia and maybe Dennis and I are going Black Friday shopping at 6 am with our cousins Patricia and Kristen. My father has given me a $200 allowance with the caveat that I'm buying my own Christmas presents. I'm going to try to be sensible-- there's really not much that I need, and I should be judicious about what I want.

And, you know, I thought when I finally had my family's sympathetic ears, I would talk about my thesis or my stress level... but instead I talked about my stupid heart. And my very Christian mother told me I should just poison anyone who stands in the way of being number one in his affections. I don't think I have it in me to poison anyone anyways, but... if you knew what I knew, you would laugh as much as I laughed at that thought. I could just send one of my characters to do the poisoning for me. The single most ironic possible person given the circumstances. Anyway, it entertained me.

I don't know. I'm going to bed very soon, and I'll probably nap away a good chunk of the afternoon in preparation for partying at Amy-Beth's tomorrow night. I probably won't drink much but I do plan on getting higher than I've been in a while, because that is how I roll. I might actually show a little initiative and work on a paper for a while. I could probably get my disorder paper knocked off for biopsych if I put a couple hours attention into it.

I am starting to worry about where I am going to live when I come home in three weeks. I can't steal Rachael's bed for a month and a half. I can't sleep in the living room for a month and a half. I am just really worried about being here for that long, even though I've been making plans with people to meet up over break-- Will lives in Rhode Island and Meg lives in Groton, so I could see both of them easily and Boston is easy enough to get to for all three of us that we can do things like the aquarium or a museum or a concert or something very conveniently.

Anwyays... I'm going to stop worrying and just go to sleep. Because worrying won't solve anything right now.

Nov. 23rd, 2011

  • 1:38 PM
femmealunettes: (DRAGONS)

I spent the time immediately after dinner hanging out with Meg, and then around 9 I went to the library to sit around and write poetry while Shane and McKenna and Phillip wrote papers. Not very long after getting there my eye was caught by a book that turned out to be about political leaders and mental illness which I ended up finishing in about five hours,  in the middle of which we left the library and occupied Faculty Parlors.


I am going to miss my friends a terrible amount when I can't see them for six weeks.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


Nov. 22nd, 2011

  • 9:17 AM
femmealunettes: (wake-up call : Holmes and Watson)
So as far as the fucked up withdrawal effects went... I felt miserable on Sunday and dragged my sorry ass to tea time anyways because being miserable in my room sounded significantly less appealing than being miserable around my friends. They were all very concerned about me, which was nice. I felt nauseous and headachey and disconnected and like I was about to start crying pretty much all day long, so I stuck to decaf tea and watched everyone else play Scrabble instead of playing myself, and made it through the day.

Then we had Little Fears and-- the way it works is that Phillip goes around the circle and focuses on each of our characters in turn, and I've been starting a lot lately, so this time around I went last, and by the time he finished with me I had to run to the bathroom and cry. Not because of anything he did to Tony, Tony is fine, Tony is pretty much the only one who things are going to end up fine for as things look right now, but because I had been holding back those tears all day long and just thinking about what Tony had to do to get where he was pushed me over the edge. So I went and cried for a few minutes, and everyone was kind enough to pretend nothing happened when I came back, and as of the end of the session Tony is a hero twice, once for saving his sister and once for saving this random kindergartener who's been missing for weeks. And also it's clear that he's going to marry his best friend when they get old enough, because Elizabeth is awesome.

So compared to all the things he could have done, Phillip was exceedingly kind to me this week, and I really did appreciate it.

Then yesterday happened... I woke up fairly promptly, immediately went to get my meds and ate something and took them. And I started feeling better within 20 minutes. That nagging feeling of being three steps away from tears just dissolved. So I went to the Writing Center and had Peter help me with my poetry that I'm going to submit to the Chronicle, despite his and Rita's telling me that the Chronicle isn't going to be printed this semester. Whatever, they'll have my stuff ready for next semester, then. Then I went to see Professor Bennett and we got my independent study figured out, so I just need to get Markowitz to sign it and then I can bring it up to the Registrar. Then I went to work, but I felt exhausted, and Amy didn't have anything for me to do, so I left work early, came back to my room, and slept for four and a half hours. Then I woke up, went to dinner, went to Zabriskie but none of the Greens were there, so I went to the WRC, where Shane and Phillip were, and I took another nap.

SAGA and Sex Collective went well... I wasn't too terribly participatory in either of them, because I still felt groggy and out of it, but considering they were the last meetings before Thanksgiving break, they were well attended.

And then I came back to my room and went to bed by 10:45. And had weird, unsettling dreams all night long, and slept really shallowly and kept waking up, and finally got up at 8, and took a shower, and now it's 9, and I have homework to do for Environmental Sustainability, even though I am really seriously contemplating just cutting the class even though I told my other group member that I'd be there today. I don't want to go. I fucking hate this class.

So now I feel... unenthusiastic. Pretty much everyone is leaving tonight, which means I'm going to be sitting alone in my room like a loser, and probably going to bed at like 8 so I can wake up at 6 and be ready for the shuttle at 7. My sister wants me to bring home the Wii, so my bags are going to be heavier. The weather is supposed to be bad, so I'm going to be dragging all my shit through the rain. The train is probably going to be late because the train is always late. There is a chance that I'm going to have to sit in the backseat of my brother's car with his stupid pit bulls who think they're lap dogs. I really am not looking forward to tomorrow... and then I will be home, which means I'm going to have to deal with my extended family, who are all crazy in varying shades of the bad kind, and I don't know where I'm going to be sleeping, and I still have like six papers to write before the end of the semester, and I am starting to want to cry again.

Whatever. I am going to focus on little things. I need to review my thesis one last time before I send it to my advisor. I need to read these chapters and write two responses. I should probably get dressed because I can't go to class in a bathrobe.

Nov. 20th, 2011

  • 3:04 AM
femmealunettes: (unhappy. : Rusty Venture)
So the forums on is basically telling me that within the next day I'm going to start getting some seriously fucked up withdrawal effects from not taking my Geodon.

I really do not want to go from the soaring high of tonight back into crushing depression. I really, really, really do not want to go from how I have been feeling this past week back to how I was feeling last year.

I don't want to go crazy again. I hate being crazy. I fucking hate being bipolar. Everybody says they never would have guessed if I didn't tell them, but it feels so goddamn obvious to me. I am one day away from losing my mind. I am one missed dose away from going fucking nuts.

I have been doing so well. I don't want to lose that.

If I prayed, I would be praying now. Please don't let me lose my mind. Please just let me be okay for one more day. I can get my meds on Monday. Please just let me make it through Sunday.

Nov. 18th, 2011

  • 7:43 PM
femmealunettes: (not sure I like this. : RDJ)
The one flaw on an otherwise perfect day: I forgot that I had to go to the med center and pick up my prescription... the prescription of which I took the last two pills I had after dinner. And the med center isn't open on weekends. So I have to go until Monday without my mood stabilizer.

I shouldn't feel any different until Sunday... and I can have it as soon as I wake up on Monday morning. So this doesn't need to ruin my life. I just have to not do anything to disturb my equilibrium. Which... probably contraindicates playing Little Fears on Sunday night, but I'm going to do it anyways.

I'll be fine. It's just a couple of days. I still have the antidepressant, it's just the mood stabilizer I don't have. So maybe I'll get a little bit manic. There's nothing wrong with going a little manic. I will be fine. Everything will be fine.

And in other good news, I put the wrap on my thesis tonight. I'm going to give it one more read-over tomorrow and then send it to Markowitz to be graded.

Nov. 18th, 2011

  • 4:27 PM
femmealunettes: (too clever by half : Ravenclaw)
Oh, today. Today exceeded my expectations so far that I couldn't have even guessed it would turn out so well this morning. It's only been a few hours since I made my last post and things are just so good.

Okay, so I went to table for Sugar High selling cupcakes, and before I started I ran up to Macmillan to cash my paycheck. I was standing in line when Professor Bennett walked by me, saw me, and smiled. I smiled back. Of course I did, I love Bennett, he's a fantastic person, I like him a lot, of course I smiled. And he walked on, and I was like "oh, well, that's nice," and then he called my name. So I turned to look at him and he asked if he could talk to me. Well, every other time someone has said that to me lately has turned out really well. So I stepped out of line to talk to him.

And what he said was, "Would you like to do an independent study with me? You could read Eliot and keep writing formal poetry." And I was like "Uh, YES" and he went on to say that it was sad that I declared my English minor so late, if I'd done it last year I could have taken more classes on topics I would have enjoyed, but this independent study would basically allow us to get together to have a conversation about whatever poetic topics we decide are appropriate (which means I'm going to do at least half a semester on Eliot. I CAN STUDY THE WASTE LAND. I CAN WRITE A FUCKING PAPER ON PRUFROCK IF I WANT TO.) and for him to advise me on my poetry craft. It's just one credit hour, which means it's all going to be very casual and laid-back and basically YEAH I JUST GET TO HAVE A LONG CONVERSATION WITH AN AWESOME PROFESSOR EVERY WEEK. We could do it at tea time and just sit around with coffee and cookies and talk about poetry. I have class with him three times a week next semester anyways, I could just hang around after class one day a week.

SO FUCKING PSYCHED ABOUT THIS. I immediately went to get the paperwork I need to make this happen. I don't technically have to have it in until just before I leave for the winter, but I want to have this done by the time I leave for Thanksgiving. If I can work with him over the weekend through e-mail to get the details ironed out, I can bring this form back to the Registrar on Monday morning.

And then! I went back to the dining hall to sell cupcakes, and I felt my phone buzz, and when I checked it, it was an e-mail from Professor Gagnon, who finished reading my thesis and said basically that it was fantastic and if she was grading it she would give it an A. She made a few small edits, but more or less said "it's done, you did a great job, congratulations."

Sooooooooooooo I'm going to go back to my room after I'm done here at "work" (I have been fucking off on Facebook since 1:30), make the edits to the thesis as suggested by Gagnon and Markowitz, and call it complete. I don't need to hand in a hard copy, I just have to send the file back to Markowitz by Tuesday, so I can do that tonight and not have to worry about it at all any more (or at least not until I get back from Thanksgiving break), and I can focus on the rest of the stuff I have to do to make it through this semester.

But. I passed both sections of Yoga. I will probably get an A for Senior Sem. I will almost definitely get an A for Poetry Writing. I will most likely get an A for Bio Bases of Behavior. I will probably get a low A or a high B for Gender, Power, Lit and Film, if my papers live up to the standard my first paper set. I don't even give a fuck what I get in Environmental Sustainability any more, but I will be surprised if it's less than a B.

I am SO making Dean's List this semester. My GPA might even go up! Oh man it would be so nice if my GPA went up. Last semester I was sweating my grades until they were all in; this semester I am not sweating anything. It's fucking revolutionary what this is doing to my mood. I feel like a different person. This lack of stress has remade me.


Nov. 18th, 2011

  • 10:32 AM
femmealunettes: (*threesomes solve everything!*)
Dear internets:

Yesterday was really, really nice.

Aside from that gigantic uplift I already posted about, I went to talk to two professors about my thesis, my actual advisor, Dr. Markowitz, and the biopsych professor, Dr. Blowers. Dr. Markowitz basically said that it looks done to her, that if I want to add a paragraph about where I want to see the research go in the future then that would be good, but it isn't necessary. I just have to make a couple of really basic edits to the formatting and I've got a wrap on it. Dr. Blowers said that I did an excellent job tying together two such disparate scientific ideas, that the whole thing reads more like graduate student work than undergrad work, and that he has been considering Wells' offer to have him teach another class next semester and he decided to stay and do it after reading my thesis. Oh, and he considers me more of a colleague than a student.

So I've basically had my ego massively inflated by everyone yesterday. I don't go fishing for compliments, but if salmon are going to start leaping into my boat, I'm sure as fuck not going to throw them back in the water.

Then in Poetry Writing, people really liked my sestina and even suggested a couple of edits that will make it significantly better, and thought my takeoff of Eliot was good and did a lot to capture the rhythm and rhyme and overall mood of Prufrock. And we scheduled the end-of-class reading for December 1st, and I made a Facebook event for it to try to get more of the student body to come. And I'm prodding my friends into coming because I really like showing off in front of my friends, okay, I'm not going to deny that. If I do something well, I like to have people know about it, and it's not being conceited to say that I write poetry well. I just have to carefully select which ones I'm going to read. I want to do a funny one, a sonnet, a sestina, and a villanelle. I would prefer that only one of them be a love poem, and I think it's going to be the sonnet because "Repairman" is probably my favorite thing that I've written this semester. Although it's not really a love poem... kind of.

And then that evening was a concert by the chamber orchestra and jazz band, which went really well and I'm super impressed by the trombone player.

And after that Mary and I went to FacPar kitchen to help make 209 cupcakes for the gourmet cupcake sale today. We mostly frosted things, because the baking was almost entirely done by the time we got there. The champagne cupcakes were the most finicky to frost, but I had a lot of fun with it. I also volunteered to run the table in the dining hall for the entirety of lunch, since someone needed to do it and I didn't have anything else to do today. So I will be selling cupcakes. I'm going to bring Good Omens and try to get some reading in.

I would bring a notebook and try to write, except I am on the verge of going from a super cute domestic dinner scene to (hopefully) a super cute scene in which three people try to navigate being affectionate when there are really complex dynamics between all three of them. I have tried to chart out the power flow between them and it simply doesn't work because the established two-person relationship was already between two control freaks and now I'm adding another person who isn't a control freak but just naturally assumes control of most situations he's in. So... I anticipate having a lot of fun writing this, but I am not going to be able to write it while 200 people walk in front of me and someone sits next to me. This is the kind of thing I have to find a quiet corner to write.

And then I'm going to work for 3 1/2 hours to get in my full time for the week, which will be fine because my boss isn't going to be there, so maybe I can write my porn in the office. I can at least try.

And then after dinner I have to meet with my EnvSus group so we can make a powerpoint presentation about dorm gardens.

And then later tonight I am going to Ben's birthday party, and hopefully I will see Evian there and have her cut my hair so I can look really nice for Semiformal. Not that I don't think I look nice already, but I would look nicer if my hair was a little less of a mess.

And then tomorrow morning I am helping Arelia with her thesis by drinking soda and letting her test my blood sugar, and tomorrow afternoon I am going to try to start writing one of my papers for Biopsych, and tomorrow in the late afternoon Jenna is going to come over and make me look fabulous and I am going to put my fancy dress on, and then I am going to have a wonderful time with all of my good friends at Semiformal, and then a lot of people I like will come to Weld and we will play Apples to Apples until we decide we are done.

So yesterday was great, today is going to be good, and tomorrow is going to be fantastic. Sunday will be awesome too. Sundays are usually awesome, in my world.

Nov. 16th, 2011

  • 5:12 PM
femmealunettes: (what the shit is this? : Rainbow Dash)
Why does my grey 36DD racerback demi bra fit me perfectly, but this blue 36DD racerback demi has my tits spilling out the top? SAME FUCKING BRA. The only difference is the color, they should fit exactly the same. WHAT THE FUCK.

Less what the fuck: my computer overheated in six minutes. I took a vacuum cleaner to it. Now it's running fine. Yay, I don't have to ask someone to take it open for me, I just had to hold the hose to the fan for a minute. I'm so glad it was that easy to fix.

I got three dresses in the mail today. The purple one I couldn't zip up by myself, so I'm going to have to make sure Mary's around whenever I want to wear it. The blue one doesn't fit as well in the top as I'd like it to, but that's fine because I'm always going to wear a cardigan over it. The black sweaterdress would fit perfectly except it's about an inch too long. I'm going to have to have my mother hem them all because they're all between one and three inches too long. Or I could just wear heels with them, except I fucking hate heels, I have never owned a pair of comfortable heels, fuck heels. I wish I could get away with wearing Converse every day. I think for Christmas I'm going to ask for a nice pair of leather loafers, because men's shoes are so much less ridiculous than women's shoes.

I made the Facebook event for the drag show and there's already like 60 people coming to it. I'm so excited. It was so successful last year, and we were totally halfassed and had very little idea what we were doing. This year we have experience, we know what to fix, and it's going to be awesome. And hopefully it won't be marred in retrospect by sad things like last year's was.

I really want to take a nap, but if I do then I won't sleep tonight. Bad idea. I just need to stay awake. God damn this darkness, it's already pitch black outside. The sun didn't rise until 7:00 this morning. Fuck winter so hard.

Nov. 16th, 2011

  • 8:54 AM
femmealunettes: (mask up bitches! : Red Mist)
Yesterday was okay, just very busy. Today is going to be busy too. I have to watch The Celluloid Closet (technically I was supposed to watch another film and read a book too, but I'm just going to have to keep my mouth shut during discussion today), go to work, table for Psych Club all lunchtime, go to class, then I get a couple of hours break, then I have Satisfied Mind Group and choir.

But at least maybe today I can have a meal with more than one other person. Tuesdays really suck as far as my social life is concerned.

And hey, I should be getting a package in the mail today. New dresses, woop woop.

Nov. 14th, 2011

  • 4:30 PM
femmealunettes: (glass of wine : Dr. Mrs. The Monarch)
Achievement unlocked: crying in therapy and coming home with a bottle of wine!

So anyway I broke down crying saying I didn't want to go crazy again because I think I'm going to lose my mind when I don't have my friends around to support me any more. And Lisa told me that I'm very strong and that I've been through a lot of bad stuff since I've gotten better and I'm still okay, because I know how to deal with things, and I will be fine as long as I make an effort to foster a healthy living environment for myself.

And also she said I'm really good at rationalizing my feelings. Most of the time when people say you're rationalizing it's a negative thing, but it's okay in psychotherapy.

But she also says that she thinks people should feel the things they feel without repressing them. And god knows I don't repress anything I feel, I talk about every fucking emotion that crosses my heart. Even if I only talk about it under friendslock here on LJ, I do talk about it. And I feel them. I can't STOP feeling them. I kind of wish I could stop feeling them because then I would be a little bit less sad. It would be nice to be less sad.

But honestly, I'm fine. Now that I have my thesis done, everything else will be fine. I can write a paper or two this week so I don't have to do everything over Thanksgiving break. I will get people to start planning next semester's big SAGA event tonight. I will get my homework done. Everything will be fine.

Nov. 14th, 2011

  • 12:54 AM
femmealunettes: (omg! :D : Chuck)
So I finished my thesis, and brought it to tea time, and had three history majors read it. my grammar will be fantastic, but no one could really check the science. Which is okay, because I had someone else check the science, and I'm going to have a couple of professors check it again before it's due next week, and as long as the grammar is fine then I will be able to edit the content as I get constructive feedback on it.

Mary and Shane both used black pens, but Phillip actually used a red pen to mark it. He's going to make a really good teacher, he just LOOKS teacherly sitting there grading papers.

Spirit went well tonight. I met the Pope... and I stole the ring right off his hand. And with all the modifiers I loaded onto that roll, I got a +9 to the action... which is BETTER THAN LEGENDARY. So not only did I get the ring, but nobody noticed I had it, and I strolled casually out of Vatican City with it. Now I'm going to send a note to the Modernists (which is Hemingway, Joyce, and two other authors we haven't encountered yet, and they steal things) and use the ring as a signet to seal it and say "GUESS WHAT I STOLE, SUCKERS!" :D If they won't let me in their stupid club because I don't write fiction, I will take my scientific academic papers and my awesome thief skills and just be amazing by myself.

Now I am going to bed, so I can wake up early in the morning and register for classes.

Nov. 13th, 2011

  • 1:16 PM
femmealunettes: (curiosity did something : Butcher)
Yesterday I had a dream about my favorite person playing with my cat. I fucking love watching boys play with animals. Watching my brother interact with his dogs is guaranteed hours of fun. And, you know, I've seen him play with my rats, and that was super cute, but... person I love best + animal I love best = best ever, it's just simple math.

Last night, I had a dream about having to ritually kill a shapeshifter by slitting his throat, except I was in love with him and didn't want to do it, except I think I ended up doing it anyways. I might have gotten him out of it? But the last thing I remember about the dream is blood on my hands, so probably not. I don't really want to try to analyze that dream.

I am almost done with my thesis. I basically have to stop talking about myself, which should take another paragraph, and then do the conclusion, which should take about two pages, so when I wrap it up I should have a solid 23 pages of content, not counting title page, abstract, and references. Does anyone actually want to read it? I can upload it if anyone's interested. Once I'm done, anyways. I should have it done by noon tomorrow, I'm hoping.

I just... need to focus. Stop getting distracted by Facebook and everything else, just... buckle down and DO it.


Nov. 12th, 2011

  • 10:44 AM
femmealunettes: (*facepalm*)



...fuck, I hate being female-bodied sometimes.

Nov. 11th, 2011

  • 9:01 PM
femmealunettes: (mindreading. : Charles/Erik)
So after dinner Shane and I went to Zabriskie and snuck into the greenhouse to smoke a bowl. This is the building I have the majority of my classes in; I spend a lot of time in that building wishing I was stoned, and tonight I got stoned there. I'm really glad the building was still unlocked because it's really cold and windy out but it was very pleasant in the greenhouse.

And then when I got back on Facebook, Phillip messaged me to thank me for running the Zap Panel and said "Well done!" and now I can't stop smiling. I did put a lot of hard work into it and it's really nice to have someone recognize that fact. So of course I immediately went on to talking about everything else for SAGA we have to start planning now, because I can't just take praise gracefully.

I was talking to Naveed and Kathleen today in the library, and I am still really upset that Alex fucked up the elections because I should have been co-chair this year, I should be able to put that on my resume, because secretary does not describe the amount of work I put into that club. I don't resent Katie at all, I think she's lovely, but she isn't doing a fraction of the work I'm doing. I'm giving her a homework assignment for the club, actually. I don't know if that's overstepping my bounds or if that would be appreciated in order to get things done... but I'm doing it anyways. And if shit actually gets done, then hey! Everybody wins.

Earlier in the day the psych seniors did our last thesis peer edit, and the person who read mine had no criticism to make. She said I have I very large vocabulary. I was like "Yeah, I'm an English minor... and sorry about marking your paper up so much," because I edited the fuck out of that paper, the grammar is going to be 300% better now. I didn't realize exactly how much of an effect being an English major for a couple of years had on my writing style until I read some of my peers' papers. I mean, I've been a grammar nerd forever. And I try to write in a conversational tone, which works really well in poetry and still works pretty well in academic papers. But some people just handle the language awkwardly.

And now I am going to go observe a session of the one game Phillip is running this semester that I'm not playing, but that I may be able to join next semester once I'm not playing Little Fears any more. D&D 4th edition, which I have never played before.

Nov. 11th, 2011

  • 8:59 AM
femmealunettes: (I did inhale : Obama + joint)
The poetry reading went well. George Drew signed my book, so now I have two volumes of poetry with actual meaningful inscriptions by the authors, so hooray.

The Zap Panel... also went well, but by that point the Xanax was settled into my bloodstream and I was just really, really tired. Which didn't stop me from being knowledgeable and witty and awesome. It really did go well. There were some really good questions asked, and a couple of really stupid questions but no questions as stupid as the dumbest one last year, so that's fine. It wouldn't have gone off as well as it did without Phillip thinking about all the details, and Naveed being willing to moderate, and everyone on the panel (mostly) being really well-spoken and putting some thought into their answers. If anyone fucked up majorly, it was me (because I said I fucking hate girls who only make out with girls in bars to get male attention... but it's true, I fucking hate them), but pretty much the entire thing went off without a hitch.

And then, despite a major source of stress being resolved well, I had nightmares. All night long. Every dream I had: nightmare. And nothing huge and scary like a plane crash or a bomb, no, this was little worrying shit, like having the feeling of being stalked and then finding out that every light in the building had been unscrewed. Or one that started off well with me and my friends flying and crashing a rooftop pool for a party, and then being caught and experimented on. Or one really creepy one that involved a little boy robot. Just really unsettling things. I don't know why I kept going back to sleep, I should have just stayed up.

Here is my plan for the rest of the day:
get dressed, go in to work at 9:30, stay until 12:30
print out my thesis
go to lunch
go to sem, have my thesis peer-edited
come back to my room, fix my thesis as per edits
do about two hours work on thesis as far as finding quotations to put in last two chapters goes
grab Jason and go smoke a bowl in the woods
get dinner
come back to my room and nap
see how I feel when I wake up and then decide what to do for the rest of the night

I have been looking forward to smoking this bowl all week long. I keep telling myself, "after sem on Friday, then you can smoke a bowl" and in five hours it will be after sem but if I want to do it with Jason then I have to wait seven and a half hours for him to get out of work. I can wait.

Nov. 10th, 2011

  • 6:36 PM
femmealunettes: (too clever by half : Ravenclaw)

I think I am getting the hang of Thursdays.

Despite waking up several times during the night, I woke up promptly with my alarm at 8:30, got up and showered, tooled around on Facebook until I went to work at ten, and proceeded to finish in two and a half hours a project that was supposed to take me at least two days. I bolted down lunch and made it to Biopsych in plenty of time, where I learned that, to the sympathetic nervous system, fear and love look pretty much exactly the same. I think I am more discriminating; I hate scary movies but love spending time with the person I'm in love with (even when he's being terrifying). I stayed after to talk to Dr. Blowers about my thesis, and he complimented me so extravagantly I left the building grinning like a loon. (He said that I'm not just smart, but I know what to do with my smarts, and that it is clear that I am a devoted humanist and I will be an excellent social worker.)

Then I went to Poetry Writing, where we had a visiting writer in today, and he absolutely loved my villanelle and really liked my sonnet, and made an edit to my haikus that turns two punchy poems into one really, really effective poem. And Professor Bennett liked my poems too. And then I left Macmillan talking to them, and went to Faculty Parlors, and read Sharon's tarot cards since she won my services at the senior auction, and apparently I haven't lost my edge because she said I was pretty much spot on, and she'd never had her cards read before but she said it was totally worth $7. So that was nice.

And then Phillip gave me a LOOK when I went over to sit with him, because he is a cynic and a skeptic and I just did a fucking tarot reading twelve feet away from him. And I was like "whatever, I'm awesome," except not, and then I sat there talking to him for about a half an hour about, mostly, my thesis, and my personal experience with creativity being altered because of being medicated, and the rest of the semester, and even though my day was fantastic up to that point that was still the best point of my day. Because honest to god I could just sit and talk to him for hours on end and I would be happy. And I don't even feel pathetic about it any more. And then I had dinner with him and McKenna, and McKenna made me an adorable dice bag with a little charm of my initials so it's definitely MY dice bag! It's really cute.

And now I am back in my room for another half an hour, and then I have a poetry reading to go to, and then I have a Zap Panel to be in, and I think I might need to take a Xanax because the urge to throw up is getting really, really strong as 8:30 comes closer. I'm not sure if I should take it now or take it right before the panel. I think I will take it now, actually. So I don't have to carry it around with me.

Everything today has gone really well. Everything will continue to go well. The Zap Panel will be a magnificent success. I am going to be knowledgeable, witty, and dazzle everyone with how generally awesome I am. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

Nov. 9th, 2011

  • 8:00 PM
femmealunettes: (cuddle time : Holmes and Watson)
I think I hit my saturation point, because I feel completely different than I did six days ago.

Well, not completely-- my underlying issues are still in place, but they're not so overwhelming.

I'm still not done with my thesis-- but I'm done with the chapter that's been giving me so much trouble. I am all done with the science. Everything that's left is pretty much sheer human interest. I need three more pages to make the minimum, which will be easy, and then anything on top of that is gravy. I don't have any time to work on it tomorrow, so all I'll be bringing in to class on Friday is the first three chapters-- but they're solid.

Tomorrow. I have work in the morning. I haven't been in to work since Monday. So I would like to be at work by 10, and I will stay at work until noon, go get lunch, go to class, take diligent notes, go to my other class, be awesome, go read Sharon's tarot cards in FacPar, get dinner, then go to a poetry reading, and then do the Zap Panel. I am busy pretty much nonstop tomorrow, but once I am done, one of my huge sources of anxiety will be over. I don't regret organizing it-- I'm glad I took as much responsibility as I did, it's been an interesting experience and I'm putting it on my resume-- but man, I will be glad when it is Friday.

And then on Friday I want to go in to work fairly early, and stay up until I have to go to sem, because I have missed putting in a lot of hours this week and my paycheck is going to be shoddy. And I can't make it up on Monday because I have an appointment with Lisa on Monday. So I can go in and tell my therapist "I am almost done with the longest paper I will ever write in my life, and then I have to write five more papers over Thanksgiving break." But I am not thinking about break. I am taking this day by day, and I am not up to that yet.

This weekend I will work on my thesis. And by "work on my thesis" I mean "read all these books and find shit I can quote." I'm going to be making a lot of direct quotes, which is fine because I haven't made a single direct quote yet in the whole paper. I will spend a lot of time working on my thesis. Most of Saturday and a good deal of Sunday. Then on Sunday I have Tea Time Club, so I can take my books with me and continue making notes, and maybe get a game of Scrabble in and hopefully not lose as comprehensively as I did last time. And then Sunday night is Spirit of the Century, if Phillip is up to running it, and Spirit is basically the highlight of my week anyways.

And then it will be Monday and I will go to work and go to therapy and go to my clubs and everyone will be like "wow Dani, that was a great Zap Panel, you did such a good job organizing it!" and I will be like "yeah, I'm awesome." Except probably not, but I will be thinking it.

So also, last night I was like "okay, I'm going to bed!" and turned off the light and climbed into bed, and about five minutes later got out of bed and found a notebook and wrote about three pages of Connor and Riley being civil to each other which is going to turn into Connor and Riley being really nice to each other, wink wink nudge nudge, because that little visual with the black leather gloves is being surprisingly persistent and I can't just leave it alone, I have to do something with it to try to get it out of my head. And, you know, everyone loves a little bit of leather gloves kink. I have enough of a hand kink already, the gloves just seal it. And then I couldn't remember if I'd set something about Connor as canon or not, so I had to go back and look at the writing I never finished today, and no, I didn't, I just thought about it once. So now I can totally ignore that if I feel like it, because... I really don't need to make things more complicated for myself. Writing a threesome is hard enough, I don't need to add extraneous relationships to that. But also, I have about a thousand words of setup for some super emotionally intense DP, if I ever feel like going back and finishing that.

Eventually. Some day. When I don't have academic papers coming out of my ears, maybe.


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