birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder

  • Mar. 10th, 2007 at 10:43 AM
femmealunettes: (me.)
I. Last night. Just.

God, I LOVE serendipity.

So my brother asked me to go on a beer run, and as I was walking into E-Lane I was seen and cautiously identified-- and then Amber got out of the car and Derek realized that it was her so I had to be me and then told Amber we should come down the street to party.

When I heard this I just about flipped. I've missed Derek for like two years (and isn't that strange? that a year and a half goes by like that?) and now-- he's coming back, Concordia's fucking him on grants and he can't afford it, so he's coming back to finish his degree at PSU.

There's really nothing like seeing someone and just naturally going back to the way things used to be. He missed me too, and I spent most of the night practically attached to his hip. xD We played beer pong and lost, I met the friends he's staying with and some of their friends-- and the CUTEST chick named Hannah, she's actually shorter than I am! and she seems to also be a master of the shotguncrafting. She's adorable. And has a very nice rack. xD

And then Derek came back with me and we were both assaulted in the ears by my brother's too-loud, not-good music. Too many people in that house of a Friday night. And when we escaped upstairs it was one cockblock after another, but there was time enough between interruptions to make me feel sure that when Derek's back in town my relationship status (and sexual frustration status) is in for a change.

So now I have nibbles on my neck and my lips remember what kisses feel like and, basically, that was the best run-in at Express Lane that has ever happened.

Also, a hangover, but I'm going to take care of that in a minute, either with breakfast or more sleep but also definitely with painkillers. xD

Oh! Also: 300 was completely fucking awesome. I have nothing bad at all to say. It was brilliantly done, magnificently acted, and in general completely great.

I'm the new cancer, never felt better

  • Feb. 10th, 2006 at 2:18 AM
femmealunettes: (everything looks perfect from far away)
So I might as well be shallow some more and talk about stupid things that bother me, to keep from thinking about the big things.

I saw Derek tonight, randomly. He's in town to work this weekend, and I just... I don't know. If I'd known in July what I know now, I would have pressed harder to get something going between us. I wouldn't have gotten drunk and slept with Tony, because Tony didn't mean anything, but I really liked Derek a lot, and... I don't know. Montreal's far away, but it's manageably far, we could have kept a relationship going if we'd ever bothered to start one. And now I wish I had bothered, and not retreated all scared of it ending eventually. Everything ends, that's why you have to enjoy it while it lasts, and I was too stupid to enjoy it.

He got into a fight yesterday-- his birthday-- okay, not so much a fight as he got mugged, but he was all roughed up around the face. The mugger broke his glasses when he found out Derek didn't have any money, but the boy is scrappy as hell and ended up getting the better of the guy, kicking the shit out of him while he was down. And it's stupid that I'm sort of proud of that, because-- come on, fighting is bad, but he can defend himself. And that's good. And, I don't know, he's belligerent and violent sometimes, but not with me, and all the drugs and drinking, yeah, but he's smart, too. And he was a really good kisser, and... I miss that, really, the laying around kissing and the way he tasted of a bunch of things I don't like but I liked how he tasted anyway. The watching movies together, the music, the talking. All the talking.

I saw him today, and I wish I had gotten his number or something. He's probably too busy, anyway, has things to do while he's down here, and it's not like either of us has a place to go in town, but it would have been nice to make plans. Maybe watch a movie. Maybe just talk.

I wanted to kiss the scraped up place over his nose when I saw him, but I just hugged him happy birthday and talked to him for a minute and let him go.

February is cold, nasty, kills things that are just trying to survive. February on a rooftop is stupid, and I can't go back to July. But... god, what I wish I'd done differently. What might have turned out if I'd been a little braver. Mistakes I might not have made, or different ones I would have run headlong into, I don't know, I don't care. I just regret what I didn't do and what might never be, now.

make good choices

  • Jul. 7th, 2005 at 2:40 AM
femmealunettes: (young love is strange and beautiful)
That's what my mom tells me before I leave the house, because of that dumb remake of Freaky Friday. "Make good choices."

Well, today I made a bunch of wrong ones before I made the right one. But once I made the right one, it was pretty freakin' awesome.

So despite me being tired, and feeling bleh, and like a third wheel, or like a dogwalker who just brough a badly-behaved pooch into the puppy park, or like a third wheel again, things ended up all right. Happy, even. Content. Balanced out. For once, someone did something specifically so they could just see me-- no other reason. And with as much as I've been trying to do just that for him, it's very, very comforting to see some sort of requiting going on here.

It's good to know I can have a soothing effect on someone. Nice to know he has a cheering effect on me. Nice to just be quiet, even if there is a lot to be said, and just be all soft and reflective and petty and cuddly. Because it's been a long time since I've been able to, and my memories don't age as well as others' apparently do, so it's... good. To have new ones. And know that I'm not defective, that I can feel these things like anyone else can, and it's just. good.

I'm in a good place right now. (also freshly showered.) And I'm going to go to bed, and tomorrow I'll be in a good place again. This doesn't have to stop.

(also for tomorrow: I ♥ Huckabees icon post. And possibly a trip to Curves with Mom for some bra-fitting thing? I don't know.)

Happy. :D


  • Jul. 4th, 2005 at 12:56 AM
femmealunettes: (amelie kisses)
I do think that sometimes there are reasons things don't happen before they actually do. Like, Amelie. I've had how many opportunities to watch it before now? I've had it on my Netflix queue how long, and before that how many people told me to watch it?

But it didn't happen until tonight, with Derek, and I think there's a reason for that. Because this was the kind of movie I wouldn't have enjoyed quite as much seeing as a bitter lonely person. And I loved it, I did, and it would have been a real shame for me to have liked it less because of something like that.

So I'm glad I saw it now. It was pretty much perfect the whole way through, and I'm happy. I'm just simply happy right now.

(and that's part the taste of cloves from his lips, part the way I can still feel his hand on my back, part the movie rattling around in my mind, and so much the realization that sometimes everything happens just when it needs to and this needed to happen now.)
femmealunettes: (there is truth and love is real)
I never got that nap; I ended up spending the afternoon with Scott and Josh, which is always good times as far as I'm concerned. We went to Geoffrey's Pub, which really has a quite delightful ambiance, and definitely requites a return trip at some point. We trooped around downtown for a bit, caught some of the live-action Schoolhouse Rock performance at Mayor's Cup, sweated a lot, then headed to Borders for chilling out and planning of a novel.

Yeah, a novel. o.o; Joshie wants me to be his cowriter, which I just don't have the heart to tell him is a horrible idea for him because I'm both very unable to finish anything longer than a short story and very unclear on what exactly I'm supposed to be doing, but hey, it'll all come out sooner or later!

The one low point of all this entertaining stuff is that now I feel vaguely sick (a combination of not enough sleep and too much heat), and I'm a little scared I might fall asleep on Derek while we're watching Casablanca.

Okay, that's not the only low point, but I'm self-censoring heavily here. :D :D :D Yay for never ever ever being able to let go of past mistakes!

ANYHOW. I'm all sweaty and icky, but I don't have enough time to shower. And I have an eBay auction I'm watching, a 5ml of BPAL's Wolf Moon blend, and it's ending in an hour and twentyfive minutes, and I don't know if I should want to win it now because if I do, that'll be SIXTY DOLLARS I've spent on BPAL in the past week. (for five imps, three catalog, one limited and one Lunacy; and two 5ml, one catalog and one Lunacy) But man, BPAL scents just... own me. o_o;;;

Speaking of which, I tried Belle Epoque last night and it ended up baby powder and lilies. ;_; None of the lovely sandalwood or opium scents I was hoping for. That makes three of the nine imps I got I didn't take well to: Belle Epoque, Rome, and Sudha Segara (which was sad, because I wanted so badly to love Sudha Segara).

I really should make a BPAL wish list post, just to keep track of what I want to get 5mls of and what I still need to imp first.... That's something for later, though.

Oh god. So nervous. For no reason at all. ANYHOW. So while we were at Borders I saw a book with T.S. Eliot's manuscripts, in his own hand and corrected by Ezra Pound, for The Waste Land.

That girlboner I popped for Poetry Speaks? Almost dwarfed by the incredible hard-on I got flipping through that book. Why is poetry so goddamn sexy, I ask you?! Not that I'm complaining. Poetry > Porn. Plus safer to have at home. I mean. Yeah.


  • Jul. 3rd, 2005 at 2:51 AM
femmealunettes: (young love is strange and beautiful)


I mean, gosh, I'm HAPPY and everything, but


I'm not going to be able to sleep now! I think I know what he was talking about but I'm not sure and it's KILLING me and aaaaaaaaagah *explodes*

he likes my summer playlist. and we're going to watch Casablanca together. I get all stupid and fluttery behind my ribs thinking about him.

I really hope this isn't going to end badly. I really hope this isn't a flutter of foreboding, just one of reallyhappiness. omgsonervousnow.


  • Jun. 26th, 2005 at 2:23 AM
femmealunettes: (life in a box)
So today. Christ. Was very very weird and I love the world.

My brother's graduation, and I talked to my dad a lot outside the field house, and there was an interesting and non-cliched speech by a valedictorian! I was impressed. And fuck, but my little brother's popular; even still he chose to spend his post-graduation hours with me and his best friend and his (very newly ex-)girlfriend. Poking smot, as George put it. It was nice; way too hot (like 100+ degrees with humidity) but still relaxing and fun.

Then I watched a couple episodes of Veronica Mars, chilled back, figred I'd stay in, until Amber called and guilt-tripped me into coming to Derek's because he wanted to see me. I'm not complaining, I like spending time with Derek, but I had to shower and everything! ugh! (no, just playing.)

So. Yes. I feel so guilty for just flitting off with him and leaving Amber all alone waiting for her no-show puppy! But god, I really just like being around Derek so much. We just flopped around and watched the Simpsons and talked and kissed and talked and just lay there not saying anything sometimes, just petting each other's hair, and being close and quiet. It's so nice. Just to cuddle, you know. Nice.

And apparently I'm predictable, because he was angry about something at one point and I was talking him down, like "let it go, man, just cut it loose and let it go!" and then I apologized for being all new-age psychotherapy inner peace-y and he said "I knew you would be"... he's got me typed! that's so scary, that I'm so predictable.... but it's okay. I want to be able to surprise him sometimes, that's all.

I'm so tired now, so I'll stop being stupid. (tomorrow I have to write about my dad. Now that I've started with my brother I maybe should do an entry about each person in my family, just because I don't think I've ever gone into anything about them on here really. But dad first, because of today's talks. also, music post.) (also, someone find me nice VMars icons. Preferably with lots of Logan and Duncan.)

Yeah. I love the world today.

and I, I've never felt so alive as tonight

  • Jun. 25th, 2005 at 2:54 AM
femmealunettes: (doing just fine)
So I win at the universe tonight.


Amber and I went to Kristin's, where we hung out and made a cake for her brother's graduation and watched I ♥ Huckabees, which was surprisingly good. I thought it would be a lot more pretentious than it actually was. Or maybe I'm just so pretentious I thought it was okay. xD Whichever. And her cats, omg, they're huge now and so fuzzy and purrful. Squeaky especially, I picked him up and cuddled him just to hear him purr like a little motor. It was awesomeness.

Then we left, to let Kristin get some sleep, and ended up at a roof party downtown, which was a first for me. Derek and I pretty much cuddled on the roof while chaos happened around us, and Amber totally kissed her great Dane. xD Not a dog, a very tall and intimidating guy. But. Yes. Derek. (♥.) Saw a couple of people there I knew besides the usuals; one of my brother's female friends and a kid I used to eat lunch with in high school. We watched the people at the bars and the cops on the prowl and eventually all scrambled inside and dispersed before the cops got to us. Well, Amber and Derek and I dispersed, I don't know about everyone else.

Then Amber and I hit McDonald's and we ate at the base beach before parting ways, and here I am, and I'm going to go to bed now because I'm pleasantly exhausted.

Wildlife count today: One deer (en route to Kristin's), two wild/loose cats, a skunk (on base), and ELEVEN DUCKS. Nine ducklings. Omgduckssocute.



  • Jun. 24th, 2005 at 3:27 AM
femmealunettes: (life is good)
my mouth tastes like his mouth.

that's so fuckin' weird.

because I ate toaster streudels since I got home. and bad lemonade. but still.


bon fête

  • Jun. 24th, 2005 at 2:20 AM
femmealunettes: (time for a sexy party!)
Today is a big holiday in Quebec. St. Jean-Baptiste. It's like St. Patrick's Day for the Irish, except not.

Why do I know this?

Because it's a very good day, that's why. A very good day indeed. A day that should go on calendars.

And yeah, he likes me as much as I like him. And yeah, we're stupid for each other, and that's incredibly fine with me. :D :D :D

I need to go to sleep so I make it to work on time tomorrow. But between the time spent with Derek and the crazy amusing cab ride home, this is already a fuckin' awesome June 24th. :D

warning: incoherent girly ranting ahead.

  • Jun. 23rd, 2005 at 12:51 AM
femmealunettes: (life is good)




So this weekend. Saturday. I went to this apartment on Broad Street and met people. Especially Derek, who is... a lot of things. Short (but still taller than me), funny, ranty, from Rhode Island with the accent full-on no joke, just really chill and awesome. And I made a total ass of myself getting drunk and stupid, and even through all that, he still kinda dug me. And I definitely dug him.

So Monday Amber and I went back and we did the whole hey let's go somewhere thing. So Derek came with us to the beach on base, and it was cool and we talked and there was a lot of awkward totally-watching-each-other oh-no-I'm-not-looking-at-you, and totally wanting to be all "hey, smell me" because I had on Harlot (haha, thank you BPAL, so useful), and finally curfew bade us away.

And tonight we went back again (after stalking him from Hannafords xD) and hung out and people kept coming in, and it was weird, and there was lots of talking and me and Derek getting closer and closer on his bed while everyone was talking and doing card tricks and shit. And every time we touched it was like... hi, this is awesome. :D :D :D Of course going with that whole "oops accident!" thing with the touching pretty much right up until we left-- I asked him to walk out with us, couldn't leave without a hug that time, and just.. couldn't get out of the hug. He's skinny, I'm not used to hugging skinny boys so much, but it was really nice. And he kissed my neck, and I got all stupid and giggly and kissed his and then got all apologetic because he had a burn right near where I kissed and i was wigging out with the "omg did I hurt you?" and he was like "nah, don't even feel it. Heh." And then there was actual kissing. Which was, frankly, super. :D

And then we had to leave! And I felt all dumb because Amber was standing there the whole time and it's totally rude to do that in front of people! But, ah. Aha hahahaha.

*spazflail* I don't know what to do. It's awesome. It's really awesome, and I like him a lot, and I mean I've known him for what, all of five days, but it was nice, and... yeah.

This whole thing has been totally incoherent. But I'm happy with that. Very happy.

In other news, today I wrote Doodlebops fanfiction for Kristin, finished the second log of Wolves in the Walls with Ai, and turned away the first person trying to screw me over at the Salvation Army. I feel accomplished in a very "what the hell?" kind of way. :D :D :D


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