Dec. 25th, 2005

  • 10:36 AM
femmealunettes: (you cry sometimes)
I got one of my grandmother's sets of pearls.

Cue crying fit.

random sobriety.

  • Jun. 24th, 2005 at 5:55 PM
femmealunettes: (you cry sometimes)
I just realized that I'm going to regret being with my grandma the couple of weeks before she died more than I regret not being there when she did die.

Because my memory sucks. Really hardcore sucks. And now all my clearest memories of her are in a hospital bed, looking grey and drawn and pained.

Watching soap operas. Sitting there for hours without really saying anything, just staring at the TV or at a book and hearing her breathe in moans.

I want my memory back. I want to remember all the Christmases and Thanksgivings. I want my birthday parties back, and the times I'd sleep at her house and when she'd yell at me for teasing her cats.

I want my better memories to be the vivid ones. Remembering her sick... just isn't good. And I know I should be grateful. That it's better than nothing. But this is what I've got, and it creeps up on me when I think I'm happy, and for some fucking reason I'm sitting here with tears running down my face.

Last night I spent about ten minutes listening to some drunk high school girl cry about how much she misses her dad, her grandma, her best friend who shot himself last month. She's got a lot more reason to cry than I do. But now I can't stop thinking about my own loss, in the moments when I'm not thinking about anything.

This is fucked up.

you city of a million something-or-others

  • Jun. 5th, 2005 at 10:51 PM
femmealunettes: (everything looks perfect from far away)
So. Many. People. People I know, people I once knew but don't really anymore, people I should have known, people I had no chance at knowing but who knew me ("You look JUST like your mother!")....

Just lots and lots of people.

It was 92 degrees in New Bedford today at the warmest. I met cousins and second cousins and second cousins once removed. Cute little kids, smirk-grinned college grads, moms and dads turned into playgrounds between bouts of hugging and handshaking and crying.

I don't know what to do about all these people now. Blood calling to blood bounced through the whole big room, and Grandma looked healthy and ten years younger for all she was cold and stiff in a coffin. They did a good job when they made her up.

People cry more when it's just family left in the room. It was almost bearable except at the very end when it was just us and we all broke down.

I feel sorry for the people working at Olive Garden tonight; they were stormed by almost 40 Ollers/Pragana/Cregan/Peloquin family and friends. xD That was fun, though.

And now.... tomorrow's the service. I have scripture to read. We're not going to the burial; it's in the Bronx and that's too far from here to there to home to do in one day.

I think I cried myself out today but I could be wrong. I'll find out tomorrow.

family affairs.

  • Jun. 4th, 2005 at 11:11 PM
femmealunettes: (tired)
Scene: My mother, two aunts (Deana and Amy-Beth) and brother are in the kitchen; I'm in the living room with my iPod on.

Deana: ...stop it, don't tell him that, you're embarrassing me!
Me: *perk, pause, walk in* Hello, what's embarassing?
Mom: Your grandmother's STD...
Me: *gape*
Dennis: *laughing*
Deana: No, really, stop it, you're going to traumatize the kids.
Mom: *laughing* Okay, Dennis, your grandmother NEVER had sex.
Dennis: Yeah, me neither.


:D SO hilarious.

I cried a little today. Partly seeing all my family really brought home my grandmother's absence; partly seeing my aunt Amy-Beth's rapacious nature come out when she's trying to dibs Grandma's stuff already; partly the Sox game. (Crushed. SO crushed.)

My cousins are... like, growing up. Billy said something older-brother and I almost died of shock that he was being responsible and stuff. (Then he proceeded to poke my flab, said "man made beer, god made weed, who do you trust?" and other idiocy.) And Dylan? Oh god, he's not even real. He's so quiet and calm and... fucking ZEN is what he is, I think his mom smoked a lot of pot when he was in utero, but he's really smart, too.

I'm related (distantly) to natural blonds. SCARY AS HELL WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? But it's all good.

The hotel we're in has a swimming pool, and I got a new swimsuit and shoes for the wake. (swimsuit for the pool. ambiguous clause that I don't care to go back and fix. HA.) I love swimming, even though I look like a small whale, omg the fat, it kills. And now my shoulder is really weirdly sore, not like exertion sore, but like ow I fucked it up somehow. :/ But, yay, pool! And stuff.

My family is huge and weird, and mostly Red Sox fans. xD And I'm tired now so offline I go!

Jun. 2nd, 2005

  • 11:14 PM
femmealunettes: (you cry sometimes)
My grandmother died while I was out today.

Her name was Lorraine. She was a cafeteria worker for a long time. She had five daughters, two marriages, ten grandchildren.

She was sixty-three. If she'd made it to Deana's wedding she would have been sixty-four.

Every Christmas she would knit something for each of her grandkids. For each of our births there's a blanket. All of us have Christmas stockings knitted with our names on the cuffs. She had the cats I became allergic to when I was eight.

She would never tell me her middle name. It started with an E. I still don't know it.

She's out of pain now. That's what I thought I wanted for her.

I'm going to miss her a lot.


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