Jun. 25th, 2011

  • 3:41 AM
femmealunettes: (sleep. : Rusty)
I think I may need to switch sleeping pills again. Or up my dose again. Or start combining them, or something to make them effective, because 10 mg of Ambien isn't cutting it any more. I may need to start breaking them and taking one and a half. Or taking an Ambien and a Lunesta.

Or doing what they tell me not to do on the packaging and having a glass of wine with my pill.

I just have to do something, because I took the damn thing like three hours ago and I don't feel tired at all. But I have to be up tomorrow for 11, so I need to sleep one way or another.

I don't know, I've only been on nonbenzodiazepines as sleep aids. Maybe I should ask Dr. Giaccio to put me on a benzo. Julia's been on them, I could ask her what's useful. Although you're not supposed to use those long-term. Although apparently you're not supposed to use Ambien long-term either, the problem is if I don't take my pill, I don't sleep at all. Unless I get drunk or stoned enough to fall asleep, and I can't afford enough weed to do that every night, until they legalize medical marijuana and Medicaid starts paying for it for me.

I'll get to sleep eventually tonight. And tomorrow I'll try something different. I'll figure something out by the time it becomes important for me to sleep at regular hours... although whether that will be next week or the end of August is up in the air still.
femmealunettes: (asleep on the job. : John)
MotherFUCKER, I took the stupid pill around 11:30 so why am I still unable to sleep after trying for two and a half hours? Don't tell me I have to switch off these pills every five days. That's fucking ridiculous, for one thing, and I'll get used to both of them and be entirely fucked within the month, for another thing. If all it's going to do is give me a screaming bitch of a headache then I think I'm going to take Lisa's advice and start having a glass of wine before bed. Despite the fact that I don't like wine. Hey, wine drinkers, what would you suggest to someone who doesn't like any of the red wines she's ever tasted because they all taste too alcoholic? I also can't stand champagne, if that impacts the suggestion list at all. I think I'd prefer something fruity. I know at least one of you can make an educated recommendation for me.

...hello new people, I have problems with insomnia. As you will become well aware once you have me on your flists for a couple of weeks. It is not at all uncommon for me to miss a night's sleep, entirely unwillingly, and then bitch about it all day long the next day. (Bitching about it includes pleas for attention, pointless posting, sudden upsurge in meme activity, and increased swearing.) But that's not all I do, I promise I'm more interesting than that on a regular basis. Here's my about me post, if you want the cheat sheet to what a [livejournal.com profile] speccygeekgrrl is.

I didn't get asleep enough to actually dream, just for my daydreams to get really bizarre, so I spent the past, oh, 150 minutes or so thinking about Moriarty. Specifically, trying to figure out why I like him so much despite him annoying the everloving fuck out of me. I didn't make much headway into that particular problem. I'm going to be doing a podfic soon (probably tomorrow to keep myself from turning into a gibbering idiot trying to read 40 pages of some of the most dense and disinteresting prose I've ever been assigned) that's about Moriarty and Moran, and I'm wondering how to handle his voice, because that mocking sing-song isn't really appropriate here, but neither is the cold fury, and the last thing I want to happen is for my Moriarty-voice to sound like my John-voice. I'm absolutely staying the hell away from his shifting accent. I can't do accents when they stay in one place, let alone when they skip all the fuck over.

Anyways. I'll do it and either I will be pleased with it or I won't, and people will like it or they won't, and those two categories don't necessarily have anything to do with each other, really. I've posted things I wasn't entirely pleased with before and had people enjoy it anyhow. (Not often, though. I can point to most of my podfics and say with perfect honesty that I love how they turned out.)

I shouldn't let it stress me out, anyhow. This is what I do to relax. As soon as my hobbies start to hold hands with my anxieties, it's time for me to stop doing them for a while, and I haven't reached that point yet with podfic. I hope I never reach that point, but I know better than to say it'll never happen.

I have five things in my "record these" window that I have permission to do, and I have two more kicking around my main browsing window that I haven't asked for permission yet for one reason or another. If I do two a day, and I have no problems doing two podfics a day, then I will have them all done before I have to leave for college and my recording conditions change. I have no idea what the acoustics in my dorm room are like, and I don't want to have to resort to sitting in my closet in order to get decent sound quality without background noise. I'll do it if I have to, though.

I did mention the screaming bitch of a headache, right? I would spend this time catching up on my fic reading, but it's making it very unpleasant to look at text right now. I might actually put on an audiobook, I still haven't finished Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I'm just coming up on the point where Arthur meets the Dish of the Day. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do, it's a better plan than aggravating my headache and feeling sorry for myself, and maybe Martin Freeman can talk me into getting some sleep. That would be superb.
femmealunettes: (this is the kick. : Inception)
Tonight I saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World with Patrick, and it was super. :D There was a little bit of "o hai internet person" awkwardness at first, but that smoothed out quickly, and he's pretty awesome. I has a new friend~~~ And hopefully at some point this week I can convince Julia or Rachael (probably Julia) to drive me up to Wells with my first load of stuff so I can get the fridge up to Emi, who arrived in America today, and get some of these boxes out of my bedroom, and meet my roommate and start the process of moving in a little bit early.

There is a lot of pretty long (4000-15000 words) fanfic I need to read, and I don't have time to do it. I also have podfic I need to record that I don't have time to do. I don't have time to do anything besides this goddamn essay that I still need to read the fucking source material for. I really should have just paid someone else to do it for me by now. (Anybody want to trade four pages on Heart of Darkness for as much podfic as you want me to do? I have no money. I only have skills to trade, but I'm serious, I'll do a freaking Big Bang fic in exchange for not having to do this.)

I'm running out of sleeping pills. Good job I finally called in my prescription refills today.

I had a really good session with Lisa but I'm running out of the fumes of optimism I was powered on a couple of hours ago. She basically suggested that I need a totem, not to prove to myself that I'm not dreaming but to help anchor my mental state to my Zen place, and it made me laugh and laugh but I'm wondering if maybe she's right. Some little thing I can keep in my pocket and hold in my hand when the anxiety starts creeping up on me. I don't know what, but I'm cleaning my room as I'm packing things, I'll find something appropriate. I've got a decently-sized piece of hematite somewhere that should do the trick, if I can just locate it. Maybe a piece of seaglass if I can't find it.

I want to do an interactive meme right now. Actually, I want to do the "tell me what to take pictures of" meme, but my camera is both out of batteries and in an unknown location. Maybe I'll do it once I make it to campus and have more interesting things to take pictures of.

...and I will admit it, part of me is very worried about the letters I sent Jon. He got them yesterday. I know I can't expect an immediate response (even if I hoped to lure him into email with that second letter), but I'm worried about getting any response at all. What if he doesn't write back? At what point do I give up, if I haven't gotten a letter back? Why am I worrying about this now, when it's really too early to do any good about anything, and worrying won't change the outcome regardless? Anxiety. It's a bitch.

I know one of you is capable of doing it

  • Aug. 10th, 2010 at 6:55 AM
femmealunettes: (forgot towel; brought gun. : John)
and I will do anything you want in return for getting my prompt filled, as long as "anything you want" is either podfic or pictures of my cat. I'm negotiable for other things but those are my major selling points.

John Watson never could get the hang of Thursdays...




four fucking a.m., awesome.

  • Aug. 10th, 2010 at 4:19 AM
femmealunettes: (tired.)
Guess who can't sleep?

Yeah, looks like I'm going to try doubling my dose tomorrow night, since it's been less and less effective lately. Goddamnit, I hate it when I get used to a medication in the now-I-need-more-of-it way. I'm not sure whether I should just take two Lunesta, or a Lunesta and a Xanax, since the Xanax actually makes me sleepy, it just doesn't keep me asleep.

At least I'm seeing Dr. Giaccio on Wednesday, so he'll be aware of my difficulties. I'm going to beg him to put me back on Aplenzin from Wellbutrin because my manic scare's over and Wellbutrin tastes like spoiled yogurt, it's the nastiest pill I've ever had to take.

I don't want to turn my light on and get up because that feels like giving up. Not that being on the computer isn't an act of surrender in and of itself. And if I got up I might actually accomplish something instead of just chewing on my own failure to lose consciousness. I could start packing the one small box of books and movies I'm bringing with me to Wells, and get at least SOMETHING packed.

Does anyone know where to buy fairy lights when it's not Christmastime? It's easy enough to find them then, but I need strings of lights to decorate my dorm room and I'm at a complete loss as to where to find them on the off-season. The ones up in my room now are coming to the ends of their lives, two of the strings have given up the ghost already.

My plan for tomorrow involves making podfic, and then listening to other people's podfic while I make those fucking cookies already. I am so fucking sick of thinking about these cookies, if I were a different sort of person I'd probably spit in them, but that would be counterproductive since I fully intend on eating more than a couple of them. Just, ugh, why did I agree to make cookies? I could have sent this package a week ago if I hadn't told Kelly I would. Stupid. And you know what, she thinks they're my mother's cookies, but my mother's too busy to faff about with baking things right now. Same recipe, anyways.

Now cookies make me angry. That's... a rather effective way to cut them out of my diet, actually. And since the scale said 160.8 last time I stepped on, cutting cookies out of my diet can only help me make it down to the 150s.

Anyways, podfic. I want to be the person who records the most Sherlock podfic. It's a good fandom and it's a decent thing to be known for, so why not have an aspiration? It's nothing that'll break my heart if I don't achieve it, and it'll make me disproportionately happy if I do manage it.

Perseids tomorrow night and the night after. Pity it's supposed to be cloudy, I had a good time going meteor-watching with Julia last year. Nothing like staring at the stars for a while to make you worry a bit less about earthbound troubles, at least for a few hours.

God, I wish I could just switch off my brain. Or I wish I were brilliant enough to make the hours I spend thinking instead of sleeping worth something. Or inspired enough. What I would give to be able to write a thousand words in a row that don't suck, you don't even know.
femmealunettes: (hovering. : Sherlock and John)
I am strongly considering just fucking off the last sixteen days of the letters meme. Would anyone actually be viciously disappointed if I didn't do it? (Besides [livejournal.com profile] shigogouhou. Sorry, Eric, one vote is not enough.)

The bruises on my neck have entirely faded. I'm always surprised by how quickly I heal-- it's been only a week since those marks were left there, and I really wished they would linger for a while. Some people think hickeys are gross but I really liked having the proof that someone's been touching me. I'm willing to bet money that Jon's bruises aren't gone yet, though. :3

I am really going to do my best to reset my sleep schedule come August. I have got to school myself out of these all-night fanfic sessions before I go back to classes. Also I bet my roommate won't want to put up with my computer glowing at all hours. I should probably email her and ask her about her sleeping habits.

Enough people expressed interest in a music post that I'm going to make one later today. I'm harvesting songs from the many fanmixes I've downloaded lately-- honestly, mostly Holmes/Watson fanmixes of various AUs. It's amazing how many different angles a fanmixer can come at a single pairing. And I do love getting new music, it's one of my favorite things about the internet.

I should go to bed but I'm not the least bit sleepy. Probably I'll just take a Lunesta and watch Sherlock until it kicks in.

I wonder if this qualifies as a kink

  • May. 21st, 2010 at 12:27 AM
femmealunettes: (Dr. Bishop is way in)
I was going to stay up all night reading fanfiction like I did last night (except I didn't plan on it last night), except my sister just told me that my graduation rehearsal is tomorrow at 11 so I should probably go to sleep kind of soon.

I got a lot done today. Besides the work-study thing, I did all of the paperwork I've been putting off to do with my loans and scheduled which orientation day in July I'm going to Wells, and did my laundry so my sheets are all clean and nice-smelling for a pleasant change, and now I have a fan in my bedroom window, which is a good thing. Tomorrow I'm going to do this rehearsal thing and then I'm going to find my summer clothes in the basement so I can have shorts to wear now that the weather's up in the 70s, and I'm going to make a good effort to at least finish reading Heart of Darkness if I don't actually start the essay outright.

I realized today somewhere between reading the changes to the list of kinks for Kink Bingo and noticing that I need to refill my prescription soon and reading something [livejournal.com profile] asimaiyat wrote about polyamory in fic that I want to read a kind of fic that I don't think I've seen often. I want to read mental health issues fic. I want to see someone struggling to stay med-compliant, or having an appointment with a therapist, or realizing they're on the verge of a manic swing. Just because a character seems well-adjusted doesn't mean they don't have problems, and the smarter a character is the more likely it is that they're fucked up, and I just... kind of want to see that explored in a new way, I guess. Does anyone have any recs like this, or am I totally going off the rails here? Am I projecting too much, or would this be interesting to anyone else? I think the closest thing I've seen to this is some excellently-done Watson PTSD angst, but I want to see people who are just screwed by their own biology, not by any outside influence.

Whatever, that's probably really bizarre.

Yeah, I should probably go to bed now.

all-nighter part two: electric boogaloo

  • May. 9th, 2010 at 6:33 AM
femmealunettes: (absolutely gobsmacked : Ianto)
I haven't been to sleep yet, not for lack of trying, but apparently I need to write something about Dewey and Parker before I am allowed to rest.

...which is very similar to what happened yesterday, except this time it involves percocet.

...to clarify, I am not the one taking the percocet, although that would make this writing experience a hell of a lot more interesting.

So you know the saying "you always hurt the ones you love"? Yeah, I'm rewarding the only character who makes it easy to write him by breaking his leg. This is why I can't have nice things.

One of these days I'll write something for an audience that breaks the single digits, really. Just... not today.
femmealunettes: (hearing things : Olivia)
Okay. I'm all packed up. With the exception of the blanket and pillow I'll be pulling off my bed as I leave tomorrow, everything that's going with me is stuffed pretty much to the brink of not being able to zipper up my duffel and Bag of Holding which, uh, totally doesn't live up to its name, I should have been able to fit everything in there without it bulging! xD But it does an admirable job. I have presents... very little ones, for a couple of people, and the quilts for Hunter and Kensie because kids get my love more, lol. I hope they like the quilts as much as they liked the books I brought last time... or more, because I don't think a couple of books suddenly turned Hunter from an X-Box kid to a reading kid. xD

I'm excited and worried even though I know there's nothing to worry about. More excited. I know where I'm staying, I have a vague idea of what I'll be doing while I'm there, hopefully I'll get to see everyone and spend at least some time with each of them. I'm kind of apprehensive about seeing one or two people... mostly a "do they secretly want to see me or am I the only one who cares?" kind of thing.

You know, fuck it, I'll come out and say it: I'm worried about seeing Kristin. This is worse than seeing an ex because for five years she was pretty much my other half and then there was the messy breakup that left me feeling more raw and hurt than any romantic relationship ever did, and last time we saw each other we pretty much agreed that it was stupid to be mad still but we're not friends any more and sometimes I still wake up and think "wow, weird dream, I should tell kristin--oh right, not." So I'm going to see her, more likely than not, and she'll be all unaffected like she is and on the inside I will be five years old holding out my hand waiting for my best friend to take it and that's going to pretty much ruin me for social interaction that day unless I get too stoned to care, which, honestly, I probably will anyway. Hooray for drugs.

So there's that one little problem with my whole gleeful little trip. But aside from that I'm just excited and happy because I miss everyone so much and I want to hear everything they've been doing even though I don't have a lot to say for myself because, hello, my life is pretty much interesting only on the internet and even then it's not a sure thing. "I got into a bunch of new fandoms" isn't going to cut it for small talk with... pretty much anybody except Kristin and maybe Amber, and Amber already knows because she reads my LJ.

Really, I just need to shut up and go to bed and stop worrying because my friends love me and everything is going to be fine. Right? Everything is going to go just fine.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I will start believing it, and then I won't have a panic attack instead of going to sleep, because I really need one of those like I need a hole in my head.

(but on the plus side my dad loaned me money against my book buyback funds so maybe I can get my semicolon tattoo after all. Nothing fancy. Times New Roman, about a font 36, simple and clean and classic and right behind my right ear. At this point it's as much for the pain as it is for the symbolism, which is probably a little bit fucked of me, but at least I'm not hurting myself, right?)

another one of those nights

  • Dec. 9th, 2009 at 3:04 AM
femmealunettes: (butterfly stoner angel : future!Castiel)
You know, I specifically did not take a nap today so I WOULDN'T be up at three in the morning.

Actually, I took a Lunesta at midnight for the same damn reason...

So explain to me why the fuck I am rolling around on my bed like a goddamn rotisserie chicken and I can't keep my eyelids shut? Anybody?

GAH. Off switch. I need one. Someone invent one. I'll pay through the nose for it. (That's a funny phrase. I can't even afford things with my hands, how is my nose supposed to be any more solvent?)

Also, slightly related but not entirely: I should probably not pick out new icons while I am not wearing my glasses. The pictures are so little... and my eyesight is so bad.

Speaking of eyesight, it's coming up on the last days at [livejournal.com profile] hope_in_sight, so if you haven't yet, go look at all the shiny things you can buy to help [livejournal.com profile] megmatthews20 get her eyes fixed. And if you have looked and you figured it was too early to bid? It's not too early any more, go do it. (Especially on the quilts. Especially the octopus one, I'm going to be majorly disappointed if that one doesn't top $20. Hell, I will pay $20 for it if no one else will go that high. I could keep it. It would liven up my bed for sure. Even if it is twin sized and my bed is full sized.)

I really need a haircut. This is totally unrelated to anything, it's just something I'm thinking about. I look like an ungroomed show dog at this length. It needs shortening.

Also, I need to change my bedsheets. Which is related to quilts. And is also something I'm thinking about. Fuck, why can't I sleep?

go ahead and stare

  • Sep. 30th, 2009 at 1:08 AM
femmealunettes: (#vortex# sweetheart : Gabrielle Gray)
Tomorrow is going to be special.

It's not going to hit 50 degrees, and so... it will be the season premiere of the tight red sweater.

If only my complexion were agreeing with the occasion... oh well, nobody's going to be looking at my face. :D Sometimes it's fun to flaunt what I got, all right? I don't usually make a big deal of my bodacious ta-tas.

...I was going to make a joke using the phrase "sweater puppies" but I can't even type that with a straight face. xD Ah, the lols, I give them to myself.

Seriously though, only 47 degrees? This is the kind of fall weather that makes me want to curl up with a cat and a cup of hot chocolate, not go apple picking. It almost held off until October, I guess I should be grateful? Actually, I guess I should enact the great summer-winter clothing swap and go drag all my warm stuff up from the basement. This sweater's been waiting all summer, though. Very patiently. Now its time has come. :D

shot me out the sky

  • Sep. 15th, 2009 at 2:25 AM
femmealunettes: (captain's log stardate awesome : Kirk)
So today I wrote songfic (Torchwood gen, PG), character death WITH NO SEMICOLONS! (Heroes gen, PG), Claire/Mohinder/Sylar (Heroes, PG), BDSM (Heroes, Sandra/Sylar, R), and pregnancy fic (Heroes, Mohinder/Elle, PG). So that's one thing I've not done in years, one thing I haven't done outside of reframed myth in possibly ever, Claire, one thing I'm actually a little bit proud of, and one thing I'm pretty sure no one wants me to try again. xD

Thanks for challenging me, folks!

I also posted an audiofic (which I'm totally not dying for any kind of feedback for at all, nope, not me), learned how to copy DVDs, and hung my new Star Trek poster juuuuust slightly crookedly which is going to bother me forever.

But I also came to the realization that I'm really the only person who notices all of my flaws, and if I don't point them out and make a big deal about them, nobody will even realize, let alone care. So I need to shut up instead of preemptively apologizing all the time. This goes with my overactive guilt complex, and hey, I'm picking apart my knot of neuroses slowly but surely. I see Lisa on Thursday and now I actually have something to WORK ON opposed to something to just talk about.

...and I'm never going to stay awake during Abnormal Psych tomorrow. You know, I don't even know the professor's name? He never handed out a syllabus or any class materials at all. If I want to know, I have to go look for my schedule, and... naaaahhh. I know the three interesting professors, that's enough for me. xD

Oh, and this:
monthlymeme presents. . .
the uncanon meme
Wish that Bella hooked up with Jasper? Did you really, really want Sylar to travel around with Mohinder under the pretense of helping others with abilities? Wish that George hadn't lost his twin? This meme is for you! Come dabble in what didn't happen.

...really I just want someone to write Hiro/Ando/Daphne. >.>
femmealunettes: (*headdesk*)

Note to self: next time you do an audiofic, save the project BEFORE you try exporting to mp3 OR YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, DUMBASS.

*headdesk* I need to go to bed, I have class at 8, ugh ugh ugh too early to LIVE.
femmealunettes: (beating like a hammer : Spock/McCoy)
this song makes me think about how important choosing the correct homonym can be. it also makes me think about a certain pairing lol

Anais Mitchell - Your Fonder Heart
come out, come on, come outside
don't you hide your handsome face from me
I want to see you half-lit in the half-light
laughing with the whites of your dark eyes

way over yonder I'm waiting and wondering
whether your fonder heart lies

come out, the streets are breathing
heaving green to red to green
come with your nicotine and wine
tambourine keeping time
come and find me in the evening

way over yonder I'm waiting and wondering
whither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder I'm waiting and wondering
whether your fonder heart lies

come out, come inspired
you will not come to harm
if I cannot take you for a liar or a lover
I'll take you for my brother in arms

wither = dry up and shrivel (originally in these lyrics as found on songmeanings.net)
whither = to what situation, position, degree, or end
whether = used to introduce a single alternative, the other being implied or understood, or some clause or element not involving alternatives



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