Nov. 9th, 2011

  • 2:20 PM
femmealunettes: (deep thought. : Sinfest)
I think I want to start doing daily affirmations. It wouldn't hurt to start my day on a positive note every day. Here are a few I have come up with:

My life is full of love and I am surrounded by people that care about me.
I am a smart, compassionate, interesting person, and people want to know me.
My mood is stable and I will be able to keep it stable.
I make a significant impact in other people's lives.
I can accomplish anything I set out to do.
I am an attractive, sensual woman, and I am noticeable.
Feeling grateful and expressing gratitude is an important part of my life.
My family is loving and supportive and I can rely on them.
I am a positive force in the world.
I leave people in better condition than when I met them.
I have the wisdom to overcome any obstacle.
I am open to the beauty around me and in every person I meet.
I am patient with those around me and with myself.
I am at peace with myself and the world around me.
I have a great sense of humor.
People appreciate my participation in their lives.
I have a way with words.

I love my personality and I love me. I am charming and delightful to be around. People enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I am full of charisma and I love it.
I am worthy. I am beautiful, amazing, and sublime. Everyone I encounter reflects the beauty I see in myself and they each help me to better myself even more.
I pay attention to everything around me and I am careful and deliberate with each of my movements. I am graceful and mindful.

Anyone have any others I can use?

October is Great: 13

  • Oct. 13th, 2011 at 6:52 PM
femmealunettes: (supervillains are kinky : Dr. Girlfriend)
Figuring things out about myself is great.

Because this whole polyamory thing is pretty new to me, despite the fact that I've been obsessed with the idea of threesome relationships since I was like 14. And I don't think I'm going to get to have one of those any time soon, because the guy I want to have a threesome with isn't interested in a relationship with one person, let alone two. And it's really complicated trying to figure out what the fuck to do with all of these ~feelings~ I have, because I have too many of them for too many people and it kind of legitimately sucks sometimes, but it is sucking less as I figure this shit out.

So I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now, and it's making a lot of sense to me. And a lot of this shit just seems like common sense, but I know common sense isn't really common at all, and it's still really good to see things laid out so clearly. So I need to do what I kept telling myself over the past two years I needed to do, and sit down and write out the manifesto of what the fuck I think I'm doing and who the hell I think I am, anyways, and just write down very clearly what my values are and what are the things I find important and where I want to direct my energy once I'm done with school and I have energy to direct towards things. And if that means I need to try to chart out the ways I think I can relate to people intimately, then that's probably a good idea.

But man, if I sat down and wrote a list of all the people I think I love right now, it would be kind of embarrassingly long and involve a lot of people I really shouldn't feel this way about. But it's not even like I'm being creepy and I ~want them so bad~ or anything... I just want them to be happy. And I'd like to be involved in their happiness. And yeah, I'd like to kiss a lot of them, but I don't like them because I'm attracted to them, I'm attracted to them because I like them. But I'm not going to pretend I'm some paragon of virtue or anything. I like to think I have everyone's best interests at heart, but the best thing for me to do is probably to keep my mouth shut and just be a good friend. So that's what I'm doing. I am willing to do pretty much anything for these people, whatever it takes to make them happy, and if that's geeking out over music or reading over someone's paper before they hand it in or listening while they tell me about how much things suck or giving them medicine when they're sick or just being around them, look, I'm really good at doing all of those things. And the things I'm not good at, I will try to do anyways.

I have a lot of love to give. In both innocent and non-innocent senses. And pretty much nothing makes me happier than being useful and helpful and making other people feel better. So I'm just going to keep on doing that.

this went off on a tangent....

  • Feb. 24th, 2010 at 3:51 PM
femmealunettes: (#vortex# gaze lowered : Gabrielle Gray)
A couple of days ago I downloaded an app to help me keep track of my calorie intake. I figure, shelling out $3 for something to help me lose weight isn't a bad deal. Of course, the only thing I've eaten is cookies yet, but... at least I know how many cookies I can eat and still theoretically lose weight.

I have to meet with Jessie at 6 to discuss our Ethics project. I don't really know how to tackle abortion from an ethical egoistic or utilitarian view and not come off totally anti-child. I'm not anti-child, I'm just anti-being forced to have a child you don't want and can't cope with. I should probably be working on that instead of catching up with Facebook, but... I don't know, I'll figure it out when we're working on it, I guess. We have two weeks to get it done.

I got a letter from Wells and apparently Dr. Aikman already sent in his recommendation for me. That means as soon as Alyssa sends it in, they'll be able to tell me whether I'm in or not. I am not nervous about this at all, and maybe if I keep telling myself that it will be true. Lisa really had to talk me down from having a panic attack right in her office while we were talking about it, it was bad. And she says I need to stop putting myself down because I really have all these good qualities, and I'll do fine, and obviously I AM smart enough to go there because I'm on the Dean's List and I'm a clear thinker, and... just, I need to stop lying to myself.

It makes sense that I'm worried, though. Because the last time I was doing well at a university, I had a total breakdown and had to leave school, and I don't want that to happen again. On the bright side, at least my grandmother can't die again to trigger my depression, that kind of thing only happens once. (Well, I have another grandmother but I don't love Vovoa as much as I loved Grandma, which sounds horrible and probably is. And I won't have to sit by Vovoa's bedside while she wastes away from cancer, which did a whole lot to fuck me up on top of losing Grandma altogether.) So really I don't have anything to worry about.

...that made no sense, did it? Whatever. The point is, I need to be prescribed Xanax or something because breathing exercises just don't cut it as far as keeping myself from freaking out goes, and I can't use DXM to knock me out of a panic cycle any more because it'll put me into serotonin shock and I really don't want to have any more seizures. I'm coming around to being straight-edge just because I can't do things like drink or get high now. Which sucks. Because I enjoy altered states of consciousness. But I'll settle for just being sane.

I really am sad to have to give up robotripping, though. It always made me feel like the world was a more bearable place, a feeling that stuck with me for a while after the drug wore off. And I'll always have fond memories of robotripping and watching Alice in Wonderland while Kristin and I had that waterbed in our apartment, and going walking around the Macdonough Monument at the asscrack of dawn.

I need to stop thinking in terms of "my life used to be awesome" and start thinking in terms of "my life will be awesome again." I will make friends. I will be happy. I will find a reason to keep going on. I will, one day, be a fully functioning, independent adult with a job and a home and friends and maybe a partner and definitely a cat, and I will keep my mood regulated, and I won't start smoking again, and I will be all right.

That's what I have to keep telling myself. Even if I'm not all right now, I will be all right someday.

a lot of self-affirming blather

  • Nov. 21st, 2009 at 1:49 PM
femmealunettes: (are you done? / no. : TBBT)
I really need to learn how to consistently reframe things into a better view.

The most pertinent and persistently depressing example: I am not only getting an associate's degree. It is a valid accomplishment that is no less valid for not being a bachelor's. People with bachelor's degrees aren't getting jobs either. It's not going to matter to whatever retail establishment finally hires me what kind of degree I have. Getting any kind of a college degree is still better than my father did. (of course, by the time she was my age, my mother was an RN with two children and her own home, but I only look like her, I'm not her and I don't need to be.)

I am not single because I am unlovable. I am single because I isolate myself from people. That isn't a good thing, but it's not a character flaw that means I will be alone for my whole life. I just need to learn how to open up to new people and new experiences.

I am not boring. I'm not as interesting as most of you guys, but I'm smart and I can hold a rational conversation on many topics that go beyond the fangirly and some people think I'm funny. I am worth knowing, and once I get that into my head, maybe I can make some headway on knowing other people.

I'm not perfect. There are many things wrong with me. I'm terrified of real intimacy. I haven't been completely myself since the Best Friend Breakup. I could stand to lose a few pounds (but I am losing weight, and people are noticing, so that's a good thing!) and I could put a little more attention into my appearance, but these are things I can work on, and am working on, and will one day change. There are things wrong with me that I can't change, but there are people who love me despite those flaws.

I have been really, incredibly lucky just to be born to the parents I have, in the place I was, at the time I was. I have always been loved and supported and I never went without anything I needed or most things I wanted. My relationships... usually ended badly because of me, and I still feel positively toward almost all of my exes, even if they think I'm a crazy bitch. I am so thoroughly a child of my generation that I can't imagine what life would be like without the internet, and yet I'm still old enough to be kind of amazed at the crazy shit technology can do now compared to when I was a kid.

So this is me, kicking my depression in the teeth and saying hey world, what's up? how you doin'?

GodDAMN I love when a new medication works as advertised. I feel so much better right now than I did two days ago.


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