femmealunettes: (when you're good to mama : Petrellis)
I was really thinking it would be good to take a summer course... well, they're only offering seven on the Auburn campus, one of them is a one-person practicum, three of them are gen-eds I don't need, and the other ones don't appeal to me at all. But of course, they're giving Abnormal Psych... on the Fulton campus. BAH. I need to go in and see what my credits look like anyhow, what I still need to take, etc.

Woke up with a minor hangover, mostly a splitting headache. Two PB&Js and a handful of cookies cleared it up pretty well.

I made icons last night, I'm making more icons now.. so I will probably make an icon post later today. I also have a ton of Matt and Mohinder icons I made for [livejournal.com profile] heroes_vortex players that are also just pretty good bases, so I'll slap those up too.

It would be really nice to finish The World Without Us today. I'm over halfway through... and then I can reread Snow Crash because I've been craving something familiar and fun. Especially after reading about how much people have managed to fuck the world up in just the past 300 years or so.

Oh, the [livejournal.com profile] mylar_fic exchange isn't due until April 17th... that's good, I was kind of worried. Deadlines are not fun.

well and so.

  • Mar. 2nd, 2006 at 4:59 PM
femmealunettes: (this isn't as easy as it looks)
I am no longer a student at Clinton Community College.
femmealunettes: (this isn't as easy as it looks)
Tomorrow, I have a chiropractor's appointment.

Tomorrow I should be getting a box in the mail.

Tomorrow I have to work.

Tomorrow I have to find out how to transfer my credits from SUNY Plattsburgh to Clinton Community College, and get enrolled there for Spring '06.

Tomorrow is the beginning of admitting defeat again, except this time I'm just turning around and heading into another battle.

I'm too tired to do this. Or maybe just too tired to think about it. It's not like I'll be alone, but it's a step down, a step back. I'm literally cutting a year off my average group of friends by going there; my classmates won't be mine, they'll be my brother's. All his friends, his peers. Kids I know, but not my people. I'm going to be the socially-inept big sister forever.

All my friends are at PSU or gone. I don't know what to think.
femmealunettes: (I find it hard to take)
So I called BHSN-- Behavioral Health Services North-- again. And explained my situation, again. The only thing that's changed is time, but this time the intake coordinator said she'd talk to someone about getting me admitted, at least for an evaluation.

I really, really just hope they can do something to actually help me, instead of just signing off on a piece of paper and pushing me back off to school when I'm still fucked in the head. Because right now, I don't know which sounds worse, staying here and writing people vouchers for the rest of my life, or going back to college and flunking out again. (because that's effectively what I did.)

Next week. Then the 17th. Then the 27th. I have things to look forward to, I just have to get to them.

(this is going to be the first Christmas I don't see my Grandma. Not looking forward to December.)

Oct. 28th, 2005

  • 2:01 AM
femmealunettes: (will you love me if I'm a mess?)
Cords, a sweater, a shirt. Gloves. Smelly pretties, roll-on oil aromatherapies, so obvious but never called on it. A necklace, some stickers, candy.

More and more trivial every time.

I should make my little brother get an LJ. He always has the funniest stories to tell, or maybe I just think so. Still. A bank error in his favor today; he's getting a new job at the 99. Bartending.

We did bong hits in the mall parking lot, him and me and George. Giggling. Then went in and stole from Old Navy. I looked more tired than stoned, more stupid than anything. I feel stupid all the time these days, trivial and stupid. And none of my efforts to make things better matter for shit, apparently, brushed off for LJ drama and I'm just starting more.

Oh, god, I hate myself when I'm passive-aggressive.

Tomorrow I have to call a lady at the Bursar's office. Should have done it months ago. "no, I'm not attending class, yes I will be once I'm not crazy anymore, no I'm not getting help, sorry." Self medication, I should be able to write off Dennis's bong hits as a medical expense, perks me up for a little while. Makes it seem like maybe I won't have to kill myself come January when I'm still here, still working at the SA and living in my parents' house and still a total, miserable, lonely fuckup.

And THAT is why I can't put up with myself past this time of night, past this point of exasperation with people. Because annoyance becomes guilt becomes self-loathing. And man, do I have a fuckton of transubstantiated self-loathing to chew on now. YAY.

Trivial. Bean knowledge, a la Osaka.
femmealunettes: (tired)
This week has been magnificently unproductive aside from writing that almost no one will ever see. Not that I'm not all about writing when I can do it, but I wish I could do something I could show off, something I could just sit down and lay out and have it be clear, unsullied by my fragmenting style and degenerating grasp of the language.

It's really sad that I'm only twenty and I'm afraid I'll never be as good at anything as I was when I was a kid. Which is retarded, because I sucked at everything, but I had so much DRIVE and that's pretty much all gone. I'll never sit down and pour out thirty poems in a night again, even if most of them were shitty haiku about snowflakes.

But whatever. This isn't about me whining. I don't get to do that anymore without feeling like an ass about it, so no more.

I proofread my little brother's first college essay today. He's surprising in a lot of ways-- he still can't use there/theri/they're, know/now is a mystery to him, but he can be really insightful and he gets just as pissed off with a phrase coming out badly as I do.

Of course, I don't usually physically beat on the printer for chewing up paper, but I'm NOT him, thank god. xD

I know I say this all the time, but tomorrow I'm either going out or I'm going to clean my room. And by clean I mean all these boxes really don't need to be here and I can lose the laundry basket without any laundry in it. I want to get my cedar chest in here (MY cedar chest, the one I got from Grandma for a hope chest, but I won't call it a hope chest because I don't think I'll ever get married, so I'll use it for sweaters. So there.) and maybe lose the plastic drawers if I can.

Friday will make two weeks since the car accident. The bruise on my arm is mostly gone, except where the veins get close under the skin; there's a small greenish bump there that I know psychologically is just clotted blood and will be reabsorbed or flushed away or something by my body, but it freaks me out anyhow. There's a LUMP of BLOOD in my ARM. Ew.

And... yes. Now is time for bed. Because I have work in the morning and my dad told me to be in bed by midnight.

So goodnight.

*head. desk*

  • Aug. 29th, 2005 at 10:32 AM
femmealunettes: (you cry sometimes)
It must be a Monday.

Everyone's having nightmares. I had the nastiest kind, the kind that kills you and leaves you pale and shaking. Big ugly dog teeth ripping through the back of my neck.

It's not fair that I think I'm okay and then all this stuff happens. Bruises aren't supposed to hurt more when they fade. But my body doesn't want to cooperate. And my dad pushed me off to work anyway.

And EVERYONE keeps saying "oh, isn't school starting? aren't you excited?" and I want to punch them in their stupid smiling faces. No, I'm not excited, or happy, or anything. I'm miserable, okay? I hate not being there, I hate knowing that if I were there I'd just be fucking up again, I just hate everything about where my life is at this precise moment.

So I'm going to sit here and not run off to the bathroom to have a crying fit, because I'm the only one who answers the phones here. And I'm going to go home and clean like a fiend, because cleaning is easier than crying. And I'm also going to take ridiculous and probably unhealthy amounts of painkillers, because I'd rather get ulcers later than deal with the fucking awful cramps now. (why so bad NOW? they haven't been this bad in months.)

And now I'm going to try my best to put on a smile, or at least not kill the people walking into my office. And I'm going to sit here and answer the phones and fantasize about not being in pain, because that's about as lofty as my dreams are getting today.

can you stake me?

  • Aug. 29th, 2005 at 7:09 AM
femmealunettes: (under observation: House)
I don't know why I'm awake.

Scratch that. I know exactly why I'm awake and it sucks. It's not just that I woke up cold, or I woke up with a cramp, no. All of the above, squared, plus a really bad case of upset stomach on top of that.

And this sucks because either I tell dad, skip work, and come off looking like a tool for what should be my first day back to school but isn't, or go to work, suffer publicly (and it will be public, it's the end of the month, busiest time, which adds onto my tool points if I miss it) and... I don't know.

I always think he'll think the worst of me when he almost never does, so.

I'm going back to bed. I can scrape up another two hours' sleep either way. And either way I have to call Charter, I have to call campus or find my missing bursar's bill and tell them I ain't coming back this time around, I have to call one of those places, either CCCC or BHSN, and get in to see someone....

My bruises are starting to fade into that gross brown color now. At least the ones on my arm. Back to wearing sleeves again.

tick tock

  • Aug. 10th, 2005 at 12:21 PM
femmealunettes: (life in a box)
Amber asked for it. Really she did. :D

Okay. So did I mention that yesterday I got in Oisin and two frimps with it? Lovely, but jasminey, so I hesitate to try them. Oisin is absolutely gorgeous, though, all light musk and herbs. It faded so quickly, though. ;_;

Also yesterday Amber and Kristin and I went to Borders and encountered both Joe (ah, Joe, my curly-haired bookshop boytoy, how I lust after you), and Dr. Ostry, who is well along with the sprog-tummy. Meep. So I congratulated her and she said she still had my books and I need to drop by CVHall and ask the secretary to let me into her office so I can get them back. Neil Gaiman. FINALLY I'll be able to reread Good Omens. :D

And my parents are being really, really okay about the whole college thing. Which shouldn't surprise me at all, because I know they love me, but I was so scared anyway. Yay irrational fears. But they keep telling me they just want me to be happy, that that's the most important thing. Dad even suggested going down to Florida for a few months (to live with Vovoa) and getting a job down there.

Even better than that, though, he offered to drive me down to the Bronx on Tuesday and stay with Ai and Shell until Friday, then go to New Bedford for Deana's wedding. (Jesusgod that's coming up really quickly. o.o; ) And he said Kristin could come, too. Which, you know, HI SUPER OMG YAY! :D Whether or not everything works out remains to be seen, but fingers crossed.

The reason he's going down in the first place is that one of the men from our church, Mark, is having open-heart surgery at Cornell. He said when he gets back and gets better he's taking me out to dinner. xD I hope someday I have his utter assurance that everything will be okay.

And in conclusion, [livejournal.com profile] zombieday. Get infected, yo. Spread the zombie love. National Zombie Appreciation Day!
femmealunettes: (lay off!)
There's a cricket right outside my window. Out of all the crickets I can hear in the cemetery, this one is probably sitting right under the corpse of a rose bush I helped my mom plant.

I'm wondering how many rose bushes it would take to get my mom to smile again.

I told my parents. And predictably couldn't say much because of crying. I hate my triggerhappy tear ducts.

My dad seemed a lot more okay with it than my mom. She's obviously really upset about it, but keeps saying that I need to do what will make me happy. I don't know what will make me happy. I'm trying to find out.

I don't want to go on medication, and my dad doesn't want me to, but if that'll help then I'll fucking take the pills and like it. Side effects can't be worse than this feeling of hopelessness.

If it doesn't storm tomorrow I'm going to take my mom's bike and just go. It's supposed to be in the 90s but I can find someplace cool to aim for. If it does, I'll stay in and clean. And read that EBW handbook. And try and rewrite that poem for Deana's wedding, the first draft was shit.

My family is going to Niagara Falls this weekend, with my mom's best friend from middle school who's coming up from Texas. If I go, that means at least eight hours in a car both ways with Julia and Rachael yelling. But on the up side, I like going places with my parents. If I stay, party with my friends, no siblings, general freedom to hang out with my brother and no one breathing down our necks... but when will I get another chance to do anything cool with my family?

I should go to bed. I have a lot to get done in the near future. Not the least of which is figuring out what the hell is going to happen the rest of this month.

spare you the starship of doom. )


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