So yesterday was Halloween.

I wore a science blue Star Trek TOS uniform dress, and got a few compliments on it. I saw my friends' costumes, which were weighted rather more heavily toward "obscure" than "recognizable". I got to see something that almost simultaneously made me feel happy and heartbroken.

And then, after work and dinner and Greens, there was a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the Sommer Center, which was pretty well attended, had one lady there doing a one-person floor show, and aside from that semiprofessional fan I was more or less the only person shouting callbacks. And I remembered a lot more of them than I thought I would! So here's to doing things over and over and over when you're a teenager that stick with you when you're an adult. I'm pretty sure the first time I saw RHPS I was fifteen, so it's been a long time I've been watching this movie, and I'm pretty sure last night was the only time that counted because I've never seen it on a big screen before. So yay, I'm not a virgin any more, although it's been a technicality for a decade.

And then I stuck around to help clean up, because Doug asked for SAGA and Sex Collective to support the showing, and he meant financially but I think everyone who stayed to help clean was part of at least one of those groups. So we were practical.

....and now I am done with my lame little October project. I hope my gleefulness has at least been amusing to read for the past month. Now I'm going to go back to bitching about things and whining about my life. ~*~SO HARD~*~

You know what is great? Weed is great. It's so much better than alcohol. Alcohol just makes me dizzy and slightly stupid, weed is way easier to be social on/with.

Which is to say that Friday night I went to a party at Fairlane, and then yesterday Mary and Jason and Chuck and I had special brownies, and it was just really hilarious and fun both times. I am awkward at parties until I get a little stoned and then I have no problem being conversational with everyone. Last night they had another party, but I went to bed early because I am an old lady and I can't deal with staying up late two nights in a row... and tonight is Spirit of the Century, which will probably run until midnight because the newest addition to our group works until 8.

So I'm going to go look up a list of 20s slang and decide what Alastair would actually say.

Getting work done on my thesis is great.

I know I have been talking about my thesis a lot, but it's kind of important to me personally and to my college career. I am a little bit under halfway done with it now, I have to write the neuroscience chapter and then the bipolar experience chapter and then it's just the conclusion and I will be done. Tomorrow we have peer editing again, so I really need to write at least a couple more pages tonight. The problem is that I still don't really understand the neuroscience, so anything I say will just be me regurgitating facts without being able to synthesize the information.

On the bright side, I had Dr. Blowers check my research, and he said that the articles I found are very good and I'm highlighting all the relevant information. So I'm on the right track, at least. And he let me borrow a really cool book about the brain, so I really want to do as much of the neuroscience this weekend as I can so I can get his book back to him.

The down side is, I have basically one friend in the psych department, so as much as I would like to get my friends' opinions on my thesis, I can't very well hand my chapter on neuroscience to a bunch of history majors and expect them to be able to criticize it. Although I will probably make them read it to test how understandable it is to lay people, because I don't want my thesis to only be understandable to psych people.

...why are so many of my friends history majors? and English majors? Probably because this is a liberal arts school.

Today I got a lot more work done toward this Zap Panel SAGA will be holding in November, which I have pretty much organized single-handedly up to this point, including letting the panelists know they've been selected and setting up the Facebook event. Phillip is going to handle reserving the room and emailing the athletics director and the RAs, which is good because I'm not very efficient about email, and hopefully on the 10th we will run a kickass event that will make waves on campus and open people's eyes to the reality of the LGBTQ experience. Although it's actually LGBTPA, because we're having a pansexual (that'd be me) and an ally on the panel.

And Phillip thanked me for handling it, and for being so involved with running SAGA this semester, and for being "a generally great person", so now I am smiling like an idiot and I can't stop, because goddammit, it is really nice to be recognized for the hard work I am doing, because pretty much my highest aspiration in life is to be useful to other people, and that goes double when I'm being useful to people I really like. I am also involved with the setup and running of Erotic Ball, which is not this weekend but next weekend, and Mary and Shane appreciate me for that.

So I'm just getting completely satisfied as far as getting positive feedback from the people I know and love goes.

Also today was the first meeting of Bookworms for the semester, and I suggested we should read Good Omens as our next book, and that's the book that was picked! So I'm having a real concrete impact on the clubs I'm not directly involved in running, too.

And at the Campus Greens meeting, I suggested that maybe for the swag this semester, the new people should get the same hoodies as the people in the club got last year, because our budget isn't really good enough to get something awesome for everyone, but it's more than sufficient to do that. And I said I'd pay part of the cost for it if I had to, because I REALLY WANT a Greens hoodie, they're really nice looking and apparently very warm, and it would be the only swag I get from any club because SAGA and Sex Collective don't do things like shirts. And they took that under consideration too!

And, best of all, today Will gave me the Ravenclaw scarf he knitted for me, and it is super warm and cozy and perfect and I love it and he is now my favorite. And I kind of wanted to hug him but he's not a very touchy person and I don't know how he'd react, so I didn't. But one of these days I'm going to get a hug from that boy, damn it. I will hug all of my friends if it's the last thing I do at Wells.

I felt sick last night-- I felt like I had vertigo for a couple of hours, which is always terrifying to me because vertigo is the major symptom of Meniere's Disease, which is why my father is on disability now-- but despite wanting to throw up, I dragged my ass to Dodge to participate in Nerf War. I really love playing Nerf War.

We started out playing SWAT, so I brought my stuffed animals to play hostages, and it was hilarious seeing people running around carrying Olivia and Mr. Squishy. Then we played zombies, and then I felt too bad so I left for the night, but it was a lot of fun even though I felt sick. Joe is really good at running the club, he keeps coming up with fun games for us to play.

I think I might ask for another Nerf gun for Christmas. I already have a Maverick and a Barricade, I'm not sure what else I want. I'm going to have to look through the different types. I don't want anything too big, and I already have a semiautomatic, so I don't want any battery operated ones. Maybe something that takes a clip. I will have to ask the other people in Nerf Club what they think is good.

Today we had the visiting writer come to our poetry workshop. His name is Jay Rogoff and he's a poet and dance critic, and the book he's promoting now is The Art of Gravity, of which the first half is all about dance and the second half is a sonnet series called "Danses Macabre" that personify Death. And he really helped with editing Repairman, and pointed out a huge contradiction in the poem which no one else who read it caught, so I fixed that and tightened up the language in a few places, and I think it's just about finished now. I posted the revised version on Facebook and edited the post at metaphorliteral.

So I just really love poetry and I want to write more of it. I'd like to do another sestina.

And I went to his poetry reading, and he signed my book "for Danielle- a most talented poet" ♥

And now I am totally exhausted and want to go to bed.

You know what's really great? When a teacher says "forget the due date, hand it in by the end of the semester." Apparently enough people asked her for an extension that she just said "Auntie Linda seems more in charge today; Professor Lohn has already sent out two draconian emails." So she cut us a break. We still have to write about specific sections of the course, but she's basically letting us come up with our own topics and arguments, which is why I get to write a paper on film noir, which is awesome. And now I don't have to try to rush out a terrible paper tonight, I can take the weekend and really do it right.

Also, the visiting writer is coming on Thursday and I'm really excited to hear what he thinks about my poem. And I printed out the new one and a couple of revisions to take to Peter tomorrow morning. I am so stoked about poetry right now.

I am also stoked about actually getting some writing done that isn't for an assignment. I had two hours of waiting at the med center this morning, I spent half of it reading and half of it writing, and then spent pretty much all of sem writing something different. One of them is almost done, and one of them is a later part of something I'm writing now, and they both make me really happy to write. I'm probably going to turn one of the parts of one of these in for the erotica reading next semester. I want to sweep it for my whole tenure at Wells. xD

And I am super happy about spending time with people I like. Hearing about people's plans is really cool. Jason wants to get a mandolin and start writing music.

And pretty darn happy that I don't have an ear infection, I just have swollen sinuses, so a nasal spray and a decongestent pretty much make me okay again. Also, the doctor complimented my left eardrum and told me I have ears like a four year old. I don't think my ears are abnormally small...

And happy about my yoga class, which is now two hours long once a week, but I do not think it will be too much for me. Although I am disappointed to hear her say the half-lotus positions are part of the primary series, because that means we have to keep doing them and they really hurt. I can't get my foot up that high, definitely not while I'm standing up.

Having people drastically underestimate my age is fucking fantastic.

Seriously. I feel SO OLD around all my friends, because they range from 18 to 22, and I'm 26. Which is not that old compared to the 22 year olds, but is pretty old compared to the 18 year olds, and still pretty old compared to the 20 year olds.

So having a 19 year old tell me he thought I was his age was pretty flattering. :D He seemed pretty dramatically shocked when I told him how old I am. Of course, part of his surprise could have been finding out someone he slept with was so much older than he thought she was, but I really make no secret at all of my age, and I frequently complain about it. Plus my birthdate is posted on Facebook, so anyone who does even the most basic creeping can find out how old I am.

But anyway, being told I can pass for 19 is kind of awesome. I always feel like I look old, but usually I'm just tired. And it's a lot more easy to criticize myself, because I look at myself closely in the mirror, and only a very few people get that close to me.

Also great is getting work done. But I have been working on this fucking project proposal all day (okay for like two and a half hours) and I just want to be done with it already. I have other shit to do, I can't take forever to do this, even if it isn't due until Tuesday. I have too much shit to do on Monday to do it then, I need it done sooner.

Figuring things out about myself is great.

Because this whole polyamory thing is pretty new to me, despite the fact that I've been obsessed with the idea of threesome relationships since I was like 14. And I don't think I'm going to get to have one of those any time soon, because the guy I want to have a threesome with isn't interested in a relationship with one person, let alone two. And it's really complicated trying to figure out what the fuck to do with all of these ~feelings~ I have, because I have too many of them for too many people and it kind of legitimately sucks sometimes, but it is sucking less as I figure this shit out.

So I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now, and it's making a lot of sense to me. And a lot of this shit just seems like common sense, but I know common sense isn't really common at all, and it's still really good to see things laid out so clearly. So I need to do what I kept telling myself over the past two years I needed to do, and sit down and write out the manifesto of what the fuck I think I'm doing and who the hell I think I am, anyways, and just write down very clearly what my values are and what are the things I find important and where I want to direct my energy once I'm done with school and I have energy to direct towards things. And if that means I need to try to chart out the ways I think I can relate to people intimately, then that's probably a good idea.

But man, if I sat down and wrote a list of all the people I think I love right now, it would be kind of embarrassingly long and involve a lot of people I really shouldn't feel this way about. But it's not even like I'm being creepy and I ~want them so bad~ or anything... I just want them to be happy. And I'd like to be involved in their happiness. And yeah, I'd like to kiss a lot of them, but I don't like them because I'm attracted to them, I'm attracted to them because I like them. But I'm not going to pretend I'm some paragon of virtue or anything. I like to think I have everyone's best interests at heart, but the best thing for me to do is probably to keep my mouth shut and just be a good friend. So that's what I'm doing. I am willing to do pretty much anything for these people, whatever it takes to make them happy, and if that's geeking out over music or reading over someone's paper before they hand it in or listening while they tell me about how much things suck or giving them medicine when they're sick or just being around them, look, I'm really good at doing all of those things. And the things I'm not good at, I will try to do anyways.

I have a lot of love to give. In both innocent and non-innocent senses. And pretty much nothing makes me happier than being useful and helpful and making other people feel better. So I'm just going to keep on doing that.

I'm just condensing so I can catch up.

You know what's great? King Richard's Faire. I love going to Renaissance Faires, I've only been twice in my life but it's so much fun. The problem is that I want to buy ALL THE THINGS and that's not really an option for someone as broke as I am, but hey, I got some of the things, and I had a fantastic time with l_loire and hearts_blood and their family members. I rented a costume so I would fit in with everyone else, and bought some jewelry for myself and Shane, and cute little leatherbound notebooks as gifts for people, and a hat, and some really cool cards. I really wanted to get a puzzle box shaped like an owl, but I couldn't justify the expense to myself, which I regret now because that was such an awesome puzzle box. And it was really cool just wandering around checking out everyone else's costumes and looking at all the vendors' stuff. My biggest regret is that I didn't get to see the tiger show or the rat show. Next year.... next year I will see both of them.

Another thing that is great is hanging out with my family. While I was in New Bedford I got a pedicure done with my sisters and my cousin Kristen, which was really nice, and then the next day we had Julia's birthday party at our house and there was cake and revelry and too much football. And then we went to Amy-Beth's and got wasted, which made me forget how sick I was (it was pretty sick, I felt like shit, but being drunk erased the suck for a couple of hours).

One more thing that was great from the weekend: seeing my cat. I miss him so much. My mother sends me pictures of him, but pictures are not the same thing as picking him up and snuggling him, and that was really nice.

Other things that are great: not being pregnant, not being sick any more, having weed, having four more books for my thesis thanks to Shane, being back at Wells with my friends.