Figuring things out about myself is great.

Because this whole polyamory thing is pretty new to me, despite the fact that I've been obsessed with the idea of threesome relationships since I was like 14. And I don't think I'm going to get to have one of those any time soon, because the guy I want to have a threesome with isn't interested in a relationship with one person, let alone two. And it's really complicated trying to figure out what the fuck to do with all of these ~feelings~ I have, because I have too many of them for too many people and it kind of legitimately sucks sometimes, but it is sucking less as I figure this shit out.

So I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now, and it's making a lot of sense to me. And a lot of this shit just seems like common sense, but I know common sense isn't really common at all, and it's still really good to see things laid out so clearly. So I need to do what I kept telling myself over the past two years I needed to do, and sit down and write out the manifesto of what the fuck I think I'm doing and who the hell I think I am, anyways, and just write down very clearly what my values are and what are the things I find important and where I want to direct my energy once I'm done with school and I have energy to direct towards things. And if that means I need to try to chart out the ways I think I can relate to people intimately, then that's probably a good idea.

But man, if I sat down and wrote a list of all the people I think I love right now, it would be kind of embarrassingly long and involve a lot of people I really shouldn't feel this way about. But it's not even like I'm being creepy and I ~want them so bad~ or anything... I just want them to be happy. And I'd like to be involved in their happiness. And yeah, I'd like to kiss a lot of them, but I don't like them because I'm attracted to them, I'm attracted to them because I like them. But I'm not going to pretend I'm some paragon of virtue or anything. I like to think I have everyone's best interests at heart, but the best thing for me to do is probably to keep my mouth shut and just be a good friend. So that's what I'm doing. I am willing to do pretty much anything for these people, whatever it takes to make them happy, and if that's geeking out over music or reading over someone's paper before they hand it in or listening while they tell me about how much things suck or giving them medicine when they're sick or just being around them, look, I'm really good at doing all of those things. And the things I'm not good at, I will try to do anyways.

I have a lot of love to give. In both innocent and non-innocent senses. And pretty much nothing makes me happier than being useful and helpful and making other people feel better. So I'm just going to keep on doing that.