Wow. My dad is a gigantic asshole and just completely ruined the good mood I was in. Fuck him in the ear. I am not speaking to him and I bet he won't even notice, but I'm doing it anyways, because if I speak to him I'm just not going to be able to keep from disrespecting him and he'll pitch even more of a juvenile fit than he's doing now.

I realize drugs are not a solution to anything, but I would really like some fucking marijuana right now because taking a Xanax would just be admitting how close to a panic attack he can push me by being a douchebag. I can't get out of this house soon enough to suit my tastes.

eta: Running away is understandable from my 17 year old sister. If you're fucking 46 years old, you're a little bit old to be running away from home. He's not answering his phone, he's not answering texts. My mother is flipping out. I am not going to speak to him for a week. I wish he WOULD go off to Massachusetts to see his mother and leave us alone from his bitching and his petulance for a little while.

Sometimes I love my father, but sometimes he infuriates me beyond all reason. Sometimes he does both in the same day! And usually it happens on Facebook because god knows when he says things that piss me off to my face, nothing good ever comes of it and usually I end up running away to cry in peace.

...you know, he honestly thinks I'm afraid of him, and I can kind of see why. I'm not afraid of him, I'm just exasperated to the point of tears at how someone I know can be so loving and smart in some ways can be such a bigoted moron in other ways. I know I'm not going to change his political opinion with anything short of massive brain trauma, but he could just once let something pass by without spouting off his conservative party line at me.

The fact that we can occasionally watch the Daily Show together speaks worlds to the power of silence, really.

aegoceros told me to do it, so I did it, and now you have to do it too.


On one final note for the evening: it sucks enough that my dad can barely stand upright some days... it sucks even worse when Rachael is in my room crying because when he was so fucked up from PTSD after 9/11, he went to the Mayo Clinic and came back okay, and why isn't there some place we can send him to get fixed now? As if our father is a laptop we can mail in for repairs or something. She's all freaked out because she works with the elderly in her CNA course at school, and her teachers say that hearing is the last thing to go, so she thinks Dad's going to die soon. That's not really how it works in this case... his hearing is fucked which makes his balance fucked which means he's basically useless to do anything more days than not, and he hates it, and he's depressed about it, and we all hate it and I'm trying my best not to be depressed about it but it's really hard sometimes.

So with that cheery little deviation into srs bzns, I'm going to go try to write until I get too frustrated with that and try to sleep and see if that works any better tonight than it has for the past, I don't know, week or two at this point.

So I just found out, just as in five minutes ago, that last month my brother was hospitalized for threatening to kill himself after his on-again off-again girlfriend dumped him (again).

This means he's lost his job, fell down stairs, was under observation for a night, and he's living in a dirty trailer in the middle of nowhere with his friend and the girl his friend is pretending to still like so they won't get kicked out of her house.

What's the best way to convince a prideful 22 year old to leave a place that's no good for him?

Hell, what's the best way to integrate my inebriated brother and his two pit bulls into the house that may not be peaceful now, but is at least bearable?

I don't know anything that's going on with him, good or bad, and it seems like there's been more bad for me to miss than good. :(


Tomorrow I have to be out of the hotel by 11am. I think my parents are going to have breakfast with me and Dennis before they leave to go to Maine. I haven't even hit the pool properly because my stomach hurt so bad. :/ There's still plenty of time to go to the Oxbow, and it's going to be NINETY FUCKING DEGREES every day this weekend. ughhh. I wish we could keep the pool access until Sunday...

So tomorrow is the day I settle down at Kelly's for the next while. Hopefully I won't melt into her couch before the end of my stay. xD I may fight the cat for the cool spot on the kitchen floor...

So far things have been pretty good. I got my tattoo touched up today by Andrew ♥ who is still fucking adorable and I gave him those two things I still had from his mom's class... so hopefully she'll be happy to get that back. I've spent a lot of time with Amber and Kevin and Kelly, and I saw Kristin briefly yesterday. It was awkward.

On Kelly's couch yesterday I ended up watching most of season 2 of Weeds. Even not knowing what was going on, it was strangely compelling... and pretty funny too. Plus I watched the first two episodes of True Blood and I'm probably going to finish the first season while I'm here. I'm almost done with the Farseer trilogy, but Cornerstone didn't have any other books, so if/when I get to the mall, that's on my to-do list.

I'm kind of worried about my parents leaving me alone here, but I'm fucking 24 years old and I need to man the fuck up and stop being scared. :( There's nothing for me to worry about except how much I miss my cat, seriously.

Anyhow. victoriansquid, I don't have your number because I have my sister's phone, could you e-mail it to me? Everyone else, I hope you're having nice days and excellent stuff happening, and I miss y'all. ♥



Oh, and congratulations to all the winners at the heroes_slash awards. :)

Switched back from Ambien to Lunesta and slept until 4:30. :/ Woke up and found out that Mom had to bring Rachael back to Syracuse because SOMETHING isn't right after her gallbladder surgery. :/ I am basically made of worry and self-annoyance, and what better way to avoid thinking about things than a meme?

( even more of the icon meme! )

Rachael's being admitted in Syracuse, so one of my parents has to be with her at all times. Won't see a parental figure until tonight... Dad asked me to clean, so I'll do that and then probably bake a lot. So if I drop off the face of the earth for a little while, sorry, RP buddies, I'm going into no-brain mode with housework.

The KKK took my baby away Auburn cops just took Julia to the hospital. In handcuffs.

My parents really tried to not have to call them, but Julia is apparently determined to spend Christmas in the psych ward. They both went to follow her. She called them "sperm and egg" as the police were taking her out.

I know that mood disorders can be pretty uncontrollable, but she could have at least refrained from spitting at Rachael and her friends, throwing things at Dad, and swearing and threatening everyone who tries to talk to her...


Now she can't have any of my pot pie cookies.

My father is in Orlando. He flew down there.

He says the only reason he hasn't left Plattsburgh for good is that he doesn't have a car or a job.

He won't say when he's coming back.




I don't know what the fuck to do, guys. I just want to cry.

I had a dream that I went to an amusement park contained in a very large building, and because it was a class trip we had to learn how things worked and weren't allowed to ride any. There was a whole pane of 25 cent candy machines, and next to them a fortune-telling machine. I put in my coins and pulled out a fortune-- and then I saw another in the bottom, so I pulled again, and again, and I ended up with four fortunes, but then someone started a fistfight near me and I never got to read them before I woke up.

I wonder what they said.

Apparently my father is boycotting church, and told my mother that she can be the pastor from now on. This seems like a very big step towards leaving the Salvation Army. He made my mother cry; Rachael says that she was in her office crying because of what he said.

I'm very uncomfortable about driving up to Montreal with my father now. I'm very, very nervous about what might be happening to my family.

it feels selfish of me to complain when so many people don't have a cohesive two-parent household, but this scares the hell out of me that they might be getting a divorce.

Church now.

eta: There's no sermon today. For some reason, I'm not happy about this.

:/