Yesterday I was planning on getting to work on Psycholinguistics... and then Shane came over at 5pm and didn't leave until noon-thirty today, and that was a MUCH better use of my time than stupid schoolwork, and also I apparently bruise SUPER easy on my back because jesus christ my girlfriend is a biter. Um.

And then I was planning on getting to work on it today... but I went to Ithaca at 1 and ended up buying a Pinky and the Brain t-shirt, and when I got back at 5 I thought I would start it, but then I finished one story for itsproductivity that is completely plotless and pointless and also pornless, and about characters no one else cares about, so... ultimately pointless, except I had fun writing it, so fuck it, at least I was entertained. And then I started writing another one about characters no one else even knows about because they're both mine and never got played off of anyone else, and you know what, I'm having fun with this one too.

And soon I'm going to go to Junior Blast and maybe have a beer because they're free, if I can manage to choke one down, and then I'm going to come back to my room and my mattress will have been stolen by freshmen, and I'm going to have to sleep in Faculty Parlors (I know it's going to be FacPar because I bribed my freshmen with cigarettes to put it some place nice), and maybe they will put off stealing it until after I watch Doctor Who so I won't have to sit in an uncomfortable chair to watch it.

So tomorrow I have to do all the work for the Psycholinguistics project, which I should have started at least two weeks ago, and which is not going to be 20 minutes long and god I hope she doesn't fail me because it's not going to be very good. At least I got a lot of respondents to my survey, almost 80! Which is pretty cool, but is not scholarly sources, so I'm going to be pretty fucked when it comes to doing the paper, which is due on the 9th. Ugh.

Tonight has just been a collection of seemingly innocent dreams gone terribly, terribly wrong. The worst one was meeting Elizabeth Burke in a park for lunch and watching in horror as two planes collided in the sky and burst into a fireball of falling parts. There were other less bad ones, but... plane crashes in my dreams really fuck me up for a while afterwards. Most of you haven't been around long enough to know this, but when I was 19 and still not being treated properly for my mental issues, I used to have obsessive and recurring thoughts about plane crashes all the time. Like, multiple times daily, sending me into crying fits and panic attacks. Stupid thoughts like "oh my god a plane is going to crash into my dorm room" that any reasonable person would dismiss without a problem but that completely consumed my mind.

On the bright side, if it hadn't been for those recurring thoughts, I probably wouldn't have gone to see the school counselor, I never would have been diagnosed, and I would still be a pathetic wreck of a human being instead of the mostly functional woman you all know and put up with.

So I guess it's not all bad. But still, I have dreams about plane wrecks at least monthly, and they always, always fuck up my night's sleep from the point I wake up gasping for air until the point I realize that sleep isn't worth it and I may as well call it a day.

8 am is still way too early for me to be up on any day now, though. I am never going to have to wake up this early for classes, because my earliest class starts at 10:30. So that's nice. I will miss breakfast every single day of the week because there's no way I'm dragging my ass out of bed before 10am for the sake of soggy eggs, limp bacon, and lackluster sausage. No way. I'll start stocking my room with breakfasty things so I don't have to worry about it.

And I happened to have one of my plane crash dreams on the morning one of my crushes is flying. I didn't know until I checked facebook and saw his status update. So now I'm going to be worried as hell until he updates that he made it there. Not that I think I have precognition or anything like that, but one can't help but worry.

I aced my swimming test. Go me, I won't drown.

I have a new rule: I am only allowed one cup of coffee in the mornings. I had two today and I feel decidedly sick. This may have something to do with exertion, lack of sleep, and humidity, but I'm making an executive decision about caffeine intake right the hell now. One cup of coffee in the morning, and soda with lunch if I'm being good. Water or juice with dinner. That is, if I eat lunch and dinner. If I only have one meal, no soda. If I skip breakfast, no coffee.

I forgot what it was like, cafeteria dining. And I blocked out the experience of shared bathrooms after leaving Macomb Hall. At least the bathrooms in Weld are very clean.

Now, I have half an hour until I need to be at the Honor Code meeting across campus. I'm going to lie down for 15 minutes and hope I feel less like throwing up when I stand up again.

I miss being home very, very much, but I need to grow the fuck up, basically.

oh fuck me.

Monday Julia didn't feel like getting up for her 10am class, so I missed my class.

The one that I get kicked out of if I miss it three times.

Guess what number absence Monday was.


FUCK. And this is one of those teachers who doesn't give a damn about extenuating circumstances, which I would gladly twist the truth just a little bit to make up, if it would do any good. "I had to get an MRI last week and I couldn't miss it." Not a lie!

...so maybe I subscribe to the Neal Caffrey school of not lying.

It's a stupid class anyway. I could take the test without ever attending a lecture and pass it because I'm not a moron and I can read a fucking book. Attendance policies are a special kind of bullshit when you're in college. You pay them, if you want to skip a class or three it's your own money you're wasting. Oh my god I just can't believe I'm so fucked over something this stupid. I need this class credit to get my Associate's.

Fucking.... Drugs, Alcohol and Tobacco. I have more experience with all three of them than the teacher does, okay, I don't need some straight-edge grandmother telling me about things I already researched before I put them in my body.



mostly this ranting is just misplaced self-loathing, if that isn't completely clear by how petulant I'm being.

lol, my short attention span. I just got an email: "Your Borders order has shipped!" I went "wait, I ordered something from Borders?"

Uh, yeah, that would be the second season of Big Bang Theory I saved thirty dollars on.

Consumerism WIN, short-term memory FAIL. Leslie Winkle... because I can.

Yeah, so, sleep. I hear people do that sometimes and it's nice.

My dreams haven't exactly been the sort I'm eager to throw myself back into lately. For as tired out as I should be (am) that shouldn't really matter, except I'm still awake, and every time I think bed? the part of me that isn't asking flinches a little. So no, no bed. Not now.


...oh.

This is probably going to sound ridiculous, but. No wonder I can't sleep. I haven't written, not anything more than a song-length drabble anyway, in almost a full month. No wonder my head's too full and I'm heartsick any time I let my mind wander. There's no place for it to wander to. My escapism is broken.


Well, hell. Figuring that out doesn't actually solve the problem of my complete lack of inspiration.

My dreams won't let me sleep! Either I wake up because in them I'm doing something (reaching, going down stairs, oh I hate waking up from going down stairs) or because someone's trying to get me to do something. This time it was Julia. She wanted me to smoke a cigarette with her, but I was making cool things and I didn't want to go... she just kept coming in, "Danie~~lle, come on," "hey. hey. hey come on." until I got up from my chair and, yup, awake in my bed.

It's so weird. o.o


AHAHAHA FUCK MY LIFE I just went downstairs because someone's in the bathroom up here and guess what, I FELL DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS. I'm fine, but I'm going to look like someone beat me up all over my back.

You know, I have been suspiciously uninjured lately. It's about time something happened.

Ohhh yeah, I can see the bruises on my arms starting already. Awesome.

Note to self: not being able to find one prescription is not a reason to neglect taking the two prescriptions still in reach. Take your goddamn pills.

Swiftly diminishing love,
yourself

My dad just pointed out to me that 1) I have barely left my room for the past week, not even really to eat, 2) I'm quite obviously avoiding my therapist, 3) there is something going wrong with me that I can't/don't want to talk about, and 4) I really need to fix whatever the problem is. He also figured out that I haven't been sleeping very well, not that THAT's hard to tell.

Knowing that someone realizes what I'm doing is kind of surprising, even though it shouldn't be. He especially would know, he's the king of avoiding talking about his problems.

But if he's the king, I'm the royal heir, because if I was any better at avoidance I'd even be able to ignore myself.

SHIT I AM STUPID

I NEEDED PROOF OF RESIDENCE BY TODAY

FUCKFUCKFUCK PLEASE LET SOMEONE IN THE BUSINESS OFFICE BE SYMPATHETIC


FUCK OF COURSE I REALIZE THIS JUST AFTER THE BUSINESS OFFICE CLOSES

pleasepleaseplease don'tletmyregistrationbecanceled ;_;

AHAHAHA I AM DUMB.

Catching myself from facing on the stairs WAS an omen, because I just narrowly saved myself from missing my TUESDAY NIGHT World Religion class. Not Wednesday. TUESDAY.

whatthefuck how am I so oblivious I have fucked everything about this class up from course number to day. *facepalm*

The zacharyq_stills results for the Spock challenge were posted.

Three of my four entries did not get a single vote.


....yeah, I don't think I'll be entering icontests ever again.

I've come to the sudden but inevitable realisation that I am a cat lady. I talk to my cats all the time, and it's mostly a one-sided conversation, but that's the most talking I do to anyone except Kristin (and maybe more than her) lately. This is kind of shocking, and I don't know if it's just that I'm realizing this now or if everyone could see this coming...

I'm not really sure what to do about that besides get out more. As soon as it's a regular 40-45 degrees I'll walk around all the time. Which is rationalizing, but it's icy out and I want to start some spring cleaning now. This thing about cleaning so much has to come to an end, too. It's just an excuse not to go do things with people.

I have to start talking to peopleagain, but I still can't figure out how to say what I have to say.


I think there's something wrong with me. Especially since I wanted to phrase that as "I am made of fail."

The Butcher now has a nametag, a collar that's too big for his teeny neck (no rly, he got a whole arm stuck in there trying to paw it off), toys, and the vital cat accoutrements. Miss Heather Ratface has a running ball which she does not seem to enjoy, but I hope she will come to like it because rats running around in balls = doubleplus hilarity.



They're so fucking cute!

So uh, it looks like our ridiculously high phone bill might actually have some basis in truth re: my brother's useage. Even so, forty cents a minute is fucking ridiculous. I'm the lucky one who gets to call Verizon and be all "fix this or lose us as customers forever," which I so don't want to do because I'm due to get a new phone free (or, you know, cheaper because of a rebate) and I want the awesome one my brother has. But, yeah, $540 is standing between me and that phone, and all of my credit cards got declined at PetSmart so I had to borrow money from Dennis, so I'm basically flat-ass broke.

Speaking of which, if anyone has some srs anime fans on their flist, could you point them in the direction of the sale to keep us from getting freaking evicted or something? Because that would be super awesome of you... ♥?

Dennis got a ticket on the way back down Cornelia for not wearing his seatbelt, which is bullshit because that Statie had the sun in his eyes and Dennis had his arm up to hold the wheel, as he always does, and I hope that pig doesn't make his quota this month because the cops around here are all douchebags.

I'm trying really hard to be positive. Like, there shouldn't be any reason at all for me to be down right now, but I just. Don't know how I'm going to do ANYTHING. I fail at life and emotional stability and basically everything.

Man, I missed having LJ here so I could complain to people about my mood swings. Except, you know, being a whiny bitch in front of the whole internet is probably not advisable. Whatever. I have writing to do, if I can manage it. And if I can't, well, there's NaNo-length AU MCR fic, which is almost as good as having a life.

Things that are going right:
-my gentleman friend and I are disgustingly sweet with each other.
-having my own place (ie: not with parents) is getting increasingly sweet as we get things set up.

Things that are going wrong:
-just about everything else
--especially things to do with money
---or the justice system
----and my medication is fucked up
-----and my family is gone
------and oh look, a surprise $550 telephone bill!


srsly I did not need that to be one of the 19 new emails I had when I finally got to check it. Fucking Verizon. And it's my brother's fault for using ALL OF THE MINUTES PLUS ONE HUNDRED. jesus, talk much?

So, yes. My not-so-triumphant return to LJ. I have to say that the past few days without the internet have been far from peaceful, but it's been comforting to not have internets drama on top of the steaming piles of real life drama I've had.

Now, I'm going to go play with my rat. It's supposed to hit 96 degrees with a nasty thunderstorm in the afternoon. I have air conditioning and I think storms are cool. Bring it.

Wow, I SUCK.

Just, sometimes I am so stupid I can't even believe myself.

I don't know if I want to throw up or cry or just pretend I never realized this.

;_; I'm like the worst person ever and I make people sad and, just, god I'm a fuckup sometimes.

Disturbia was really good. Highly reccomended.

Interpersonally I am a douchebag and a selfish person who makes other people uncomfortable or sad. I lose at all types of functioning as a person. D:

So, since I have to talk to people about it and I'm going to cry anyway, I may as well do this here and maybe I won't cry when I have to talk out loud.

Maggie's getting married in a week and a day. I've known her since seventh grade. Most of my life, or most of the parts that I can remember, anyway. I love her dearly, and her soon-to-be-husband is great. But I'm a selfish asshole and sent back the invite no, because I have no money and no place to stay and no way to get there and nothing to wear and I have made nothing of myself since middle school.

This isn't a plea for people to disagree with me. This is how I see the situation, because I look at things from my eyes and I don't consider that hey, it would suck to not have someone you know and love at one of the most important days of your life. I just see a bunch of smart people who've done stuff like, I don't know, stay in school and get jobs and fall in love, and I'm fat and lonely and unemployed and a dropout.

I'm ashamed is the point. I would rather have people remember me with braces and horrible hair than prettier but entirely useless. Because I pretty much am, outside of specialized circumstances that basically happen on the internet, useless.


I have to call her. I'm probably going to do that tonight. I have to talk to my parents first. My dad's already making plans on how to get down there. (and that's another part: even if I do go, this is just adding on to the problem I have to deal with beyond all the other ones: I have no money and I really, really don't want to be a drain on my parents, more than I already am, which is why I don't ask for help when things go wrong. I don't want to be helped because things are fucking bad enough for them.)

Yeah, I don't think this whole clever cry-where-no-one-can-see-you thing is working either. Now I just have a headache and I'm still crying. And I'm still selfish. And I still suck.

Any issues you may have been dealing with yesterday are likely to still be around today. You may be feeling a bit like doing things your own way right now, and this might not always go over too well. You have to be careful that you're not too undisciplined or become too much of a free spirit right now.

Fuck pretty much EVERYTHING right now. Very few exceptions.

Ahahaha OOPS.

I accidentally left something out in the bathroom. And my mom saw it.

Uh. At least it's not something illegal. Just very embarrassing.

ohgodohgod. (on the other hand, her finding one ONCE while I've owned... uh, four? maybe five? over the past six years? not a bad track record.)

still. OH GOD.

Things I lost last night: my purse, my coat, my hat, my wallet.

Things I have found: my purse.

Things I know the location of: my coat, my hat.

Things I have fuck-all clue where they are: my wallet.

D:

that thing has all my ID in it, driver's permit, credit cards, my Borders card that has a cool $50 on it to spend....


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH