Yesterday was really good. Dr. Giaccio put me on Seroquel to help with sleep instead of Lunesta, and I hear it's super-effective, so that might turn out to be something good. The information packet that comes along with Seroquel is terrifying though. It says in big letters a couple of times "NOBODY SAYS THIS IS SAFE TO TAKE" so that's a tad bit worrying... still, I'm only taking 25-75 mg (I'm starting out taking two and adjusting as necessary) instead of the 300-400 people are prescribed to help control their moods, so I'm not overly concerned. I generally don't get very bad side effects from anything, so I'm hoping that holds out here too.

One thing I am concerned about is the potential for weight gain. I know that weighing yourself on different scales gives you different results, but I was weighed at the med center this morning and it said 169, so I'm pretty displeased about that. I was almost down to the 150s in August, I'm entirely unthrilled to be back up around 170 if that's an accurate measurement, and Seroquel is notorious for causing weight gain. I will be absolutely damned if I get fat again, I have no time for that nonsense. If I have to cut back down to two meals a day and go to the gym three or four times a week, so be it, I am simply refusing to get to the point where I feel ugly again.

So the reason I was at the med center in the first place is, I had an accident while I was out meeting Paul last night. We went for dinner to the tex-mex restaurant by the jail, and I slammed my thumb in his car door. It's not broken, it was just squished and pierced in two places. It bled like a bitch, but I got it on ice right away and it hasn't swollen up or anything. I took a first-aid class my first semester at Plattsburgh State and apparently it all sunk in pretty well, because the doctor at the med center told me I did everything perfectly to take care of it, and when she bandaged it back up she just did the same thing I did last night. So that's good, I'm competent in a minor emergency, even if I was bordering on hysterical when it happened. I was laughing and he was like O.O "This isn't funny!" and I just couldn't stop giggling for a minute. Anyways, I got really lucky because it's my left thumb and it's not broken, it would have been a lot worse if it had been my right thumb or if it actually broke instead of just bruising.

Meeting him was nice, though. I've been talking to him on Fetlife for a little over a week now, and he's just as easy to talk to in person as he was online. We hung out for a couple of hours and talked a lot, and it was good. I do like making new friends. We're going to hang out again next weekend, I'm looking forward to it.

I do not have a Halloween costume together yet; I seriously doubt I'm going to put the effort in to assemble one by Sunday, because I have no parties to go to or anything. I wanted to be a Victorian-style Watson, but I can always do that next year. (Unless I do get the cable-knit sweater I asked my mother to find me, in which case I will be perfectly content to be a modern Watson.)

Today in French class I bombed a quiz (irregular past participles, what the FUCK) but I got back my test from last week and I got a 95% on it, so basically I am the shit. And now we're doing the passe compose, which I learned in high school and have no problem with at all (except for those fucking past participles), so I got to be super on the ball today despite barely glancing over the revision (which is why I failed the quiz). And I got to use a super-relevant sentence to demonstrate the plain passe compose: "J'ai attrappe mon pouce dans le portiere d'une voiture." I caught my thumb in a car door. xD

Now I have to do the reading for EdPsych that I should have done earlier this week, and hope he doesn't expect too much of me in class. I think I can get away with minimal participation for one class, I'm usually super involved in all the discussions in that class. And I should be getting my Logic test back, and I think I did really well on it, so I'm looking forward to finding out.

I had a dream that I was in an arcade and there was a karaoke game, and there was a Barenaked Ladies song I really wanted to sing, but when I opened my wallet instead of change I just found dozens of colorful tiny six-sided dice.

I have no clue what that signifies. Somebody interpret my dream for me. Unless it just means I'm broke, because I know that already.

In other news, Xanax is far more effective at keeping me asleep than Ambien. With Ambien I wake up by 9 am, every time. With the Xanax I only just woke up now. I was not taking it to replace the sleeping pill, but I did not take the sleeping pill because I took it.

I entirely forgot that Matt is coming over around 4pm today to watch Dead Like Me. I guess I'll be finishing that essay tomorrow. I'm not going to deprive myself of Holmes group-watch because I forgot that I made plans, either. That would only upset me.

I emailed my roommate last night... now I'm going to be anxious until she emails me back. I just have to remember two things: a) not everybody checks their email constantly throughout the day like I do, and b) even though I tried to avoid using colloquialisms, I honestly don't know how good her English is yet, so she may take time to decipher what I said. That probably won't stop me from being anxious though. Once the neuroses train gets going, it's pretty hard to derail that sucker.

Oh, here's a song I meant to post yesterday but it slipped my mind:

The Decemberists - July, July!

July, July, July
It never seemed so strange

This is the story of the road that goes to my house
And what ghosts there do remain
And all the troughs that run the length and breadth of my house
And the chickens how they rattle chicken chains

And we'll remember this when we are old and ancient
Though the specifics might be vague
And I'll say your camisole was a sprightly light magenta
When in fact it was a nappy bluish grey

Well. It's a good thing I have no money, or I would... have no money. 60 pills of Geodon = $582

whatthefuck how do they expect CRAZY PEOPLE to make enough money to get the pills to become SANE PEOPLE? Ugh. I hate capitalism. And I want to drive a nail through the, I don't know, some non-deadly body part, of everyone who opposes universal health care, in a big old "FUCK YOU" from everyone who needs these meds and can't get them.

Sigh.

Anyhow here are the last of the top fives.

blossommorphine wanted to know:

( top five favorite colors )

( top five ways I pass the time )

( top five foods I love to eat but know aren't good for me )

savorvrymoment asked for:
( top five kinks I like to see in fanfic )

( top five bands or artists )


I'm pretty much finished packing, and I'm going to take my first dose of the new med pretty soon. Mom brought me up to the mall for a haircut and by the time we got there they weren't taking any more walk-ins and we had to drive back and we hit every. fucking. red. light. between there and home, TWICE. And I did exactly what Lisa said I shouldn't do, and apologized and felt guilty over a bunch of things I couldn't control. Mom just shook her head and said "Remember the joke and the car accident? You've always been that way. I don't know what I did to make you like that." I was like three when that happened. What the hell does a three year old know about guilt? Except I took it on myself even that early.

I can't imagine how that would have been their fault. Then again, isn't everything our parents' fault? (at least according to my specializing-in-child-therapy counselor, it is... sounds like bullshit to me.)

Well. Not much to be done about it, right? Except identify the problem and try to stop when I recognize the behavior, which by the way doesn't really work, but okay.

what the hell, self, stop being such a Debbie Downer out of nowhere. I think I just need to eat something, I'm hungry.

Strange dreams in which Kirk was a kindergarten teacher and McCoy was a priest. WTF?

Sleeping pattern is back to the usual fucked up: fell asleep at 11, woke up at 1, fell asleep at 2, woke up at 4, fell asleep at 5, woke up at 9:30. Thinking strongly about double-dosing Lunesta tonight and seeing if I can sleep the whole night through, or if I'm doomed as long as I'm on Lamictal. It only took me this long to figure out which pill was making me insomniac because stopping taking my medication is a stupid idea, lol.

I have an appointment in 2 hours, and I'm hoping to at least start something by then. I've got the hand-painting fic partially figured out, and really the setup is the hard part, once I get into the swing of it I'm set.

Rachael might be coming to the mall with us today. As long as she's not with her friends she's more tolerable to be with... she really is funny when she's not being a brat. She just turned 16 a week and a half ago. Julia's turning 18 in four months. I feel so old, you guys, my baby sisters are growing up.

Oh, I got my financial aid award total yesterday in the mail... and it's about $1000 more than the cost of tuition. Not to mention the $2500 from the Salvation Army, I am SO paying all my billz especially the $300 I still owe for probation in Plattsburgh omg oops and giving my parents money for supporting my sad ass and maybe, just maybe I will get the iPhone I have been lusting for since it came out. :3

Heck, maybe I'll splurge and get pants that fit, now that I'm not a 38 waist any more. xD

Okay okay getting to writing now, I just had to flail a little bit! :D

So I only just realized that my skin problem might be the infamous Rash of Death, which can happen at any time for Lamictal users, and which I had forgotten about until a recent visit to crazymeds.org.

AWESOME.

If I'm behaving oddly in the near future, dear friends, please know that it is because I am now on two mood lifters and no mood stabilizer. While I do enjoy being manic, I'm not sure quite how silly I will get. Feel free to point it out if you think I'm being scary.

Still got three weeks on the waiting list at my sister's therapy place.


If this doesn't stop the rash, I am going to be quite displeased.

also I didn't get my writing done today... I did like four minutes out of my pledged ten. Miserable Fuckitude, I have failed you three days in... That's okay, I'm going to catch up tomorrow. I'm just uninspired and energy-sapped today. I ended up writing for an hour and a half and getting 1400 words of Matt/Mo angst-schmoop. Yeay.


Okay, wait! I refuse to end this post on such a down note. Here, have a link to the PDA of the Obama/Biden campaign trail. Leaders who actually like each other enough to hug? Bring 'em on. The White House needs hugs.

Back in March 06 when I was put on Lamictal for the first time, I had to work my dose up from 25mg a day, slowly, to 100mg a day. And I got side effects-- horrible headaches, rashes, too-vivid dreams.

I'm not complaining about the dreams now-- they've become much nicer than plane crashes, usually along the lines of hanging out with band members-- but I went cold from no Lamictal at all to 200mg a day and I just got the worst migraine today. Light sensitive, cold sensitive, sound sensitive, and aspirin didn't help. I spent all afternoon in my nice dark bedroom. Lost a whole day to this.

I haven't answered my phone for Derek in two days, which is kind of fucked up of me but I just... he keeps wanting to go out and I am not into bars, I don't mind his house (we can't exactly come here for making outs) but I like my own place! and, I don't know, I feel guilty for being happy or some shit.

rkdjg;ljflkdj. head still hurts, actually. Not cool.

So today I'm on three pills a day. 25mg Lamictal in the morning, 100mg at night, plus 5mg Lexapro at night. I started the Lexapro last night and the second dose of Lamictal today.

I can't say what's up to chance and what's because of the pills. I'm hiccuppy, that's a side effect of Lamictal. And I have a little but persistent headache that spikes every now and then. That could be both of them. I woke up at 8:30, was that the pills or the fact that I sleep on a chair and I was falling off it? Staying up feels strange, but I'm supposed to be waking up earlier now. Still tired, though.

Half an hour ago I was laughing wildly over a comment that wasn't even that funny. Now I'm... quiet. But kind of jumpy. Sounds from outside make me nervous.

Should I make a filter for these posts? Does anyone not really want to hear about this stuff, really? I'm kind of TMI-oblivious, so...

There are rolling fire drills going on. I can hear them. Two so far this morning. I don't know whether to wake up Amber and Kristin or not.

Firefly fans: the Firefly Character Meme. Go forth and be compared, yo. Do me too.

Other news: Woah sickness. Is it the horrible energy drink I had (TaB Energy) or the drugs interacting? I think I should lay off both. Woaaaah, sick.

Last note: kefjkldjawd f I wish I was less stoned so I could finish (or at least get more done) with Sean and Mickey because I love them to death. ;_;

Work in 10 hours.