a sad kind of day

  • Sep. 12th, 2010 at 12:15 AM
femmealunettes: (:()
Oops.

The guy I like just changed his facebook status to 'in a relationship'.

So that's twice in two and a half weeks I've had the rug pulled out from under my romantic aspirations.

One of these days I'm going to learn to be content being single, or I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.



Oh, and today is the anniversary of Jeremy Brett's death... so I think I'm going to spend my day watching him. There are still a handful of episodes I haven't watched, but I might revisit my favorites, too.

epic podfic fail

  • Jun. 6th, 2010 at 12:42 AM
femmealunettes: (ARGH DAMMIT FUCK : Spock)
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

godDAMNIT

I forgot/didn't realize that the laptop has a built-in microphone which I don't know how to disable so the whole time I was reading this fic, I was reading it into a proper microphone that sounded decent and also into a shitty built-in microphone that sounds like crap so it has a terrible echo and it sounds awful and DAMN IT, I should have tested the setup before just recording the whole fucking half hour long fic, I am such a moron!

Excuse me while I HIT MY HEAD OFF THE WALL A LITTLE BIT.



now I have to figure out how to make this NOT happen... stupid, stupid, stupid.

a bunch of whining and crying

  • Feb. 18th, 2010 at 9:31 PM
femmealunettes: (***SORT LIFE OUT*** : Shaun of the Dead)
This essay is going to suck. It already sucks and it's only 325 words long yet.

I sound like a child, but I really wish my mom was here. :( Not that I'd cry on her, but just having her around makes the world suck less.


This is like the sixth time I've burst into tears today. Something is seriously fucking wrong with my head right now and I really wish it would stop being wrong because I really hate myself when this kind of thing happens. Half of me wants to take more pills and half of me just wants to curl up into a ball and stop existing for a little while.


I am so fucking sick of being bipolar, really, I'm not suicidal but I really can see why people get that way. Because if I get to look forward to this for the rest of my life, that's not very appealing.
femmealunettes: (you cry sometimes)
So I went and gave blood all right.

Usually it leaves me a little bit lightheaded but not feeling like I've had the life drained out of me. I'm just really ridiculously cold and empty-headed right now and I don't like it.

I have something like twenty hours to write this stupid fucking college application essay and I should have done it three fucking weeks ago but I'm stupid and I procrastinate until the last fucking minute and I really don't even know why I want to go to Wells anyway, because I would make a shitty social worker. I'm afraid of talking to people on the phone, I suck at remembering people's names and details about them, and oh yeah, I'm almost 25 and I still can't drive because it scares me.

Oh, I guess giving blood kickstarts my depression. Because I really need to lose more fluids crying.

I know intellectually that I am not a fuckup, but emotionally it just isn't registering. And to make matters worse, all I want is a hug from my mother and she's in Florida until Sunday.

Wow, I really didn't expect this to be what happened when I opened up Semagic.

sigh

  • Dec. 12th, 2009 at 2:29 PM
femmealunettes: (*holds up sarcasm sign* : TBBT)
Looks like I'm not getting that tattoo any time soon after all.

I'd be bummed about it, but I'm not entirely surprised that my plans were derailed. My father actually laughed at me. I probably won't be able to do anything that costs money while I'm in Plattsburgh. It's not really his fault that he didn't put in the scholarship paperwork as soon as I gave him my schedule, because he's sick and I get that, but he made it sound like I'd for sure have the money by Christmas and I probably won't get it until late January. (which, I know, shut up and stop bitching because I'm still going to get the money and what kind of a bitch complains about a delay?)

He also made me feel worse about the quilts selling cheaply. He sort of yelled at me for not bidding $15 on all of them like he told me to. I didn't want to keep people who wanted them from getting the quilts, but now I just feel stupid.

Awesome.
femmealunettes: (stupid human tricks : Sheldon : TBBT)
I am book-smart, but I am video game stupid. I just spent half an hour trying to do one stupid thing in Okami and I STILL DIDN'T GET IT DONE. I do not have the mindset to be a gamer, seriously. Give me something nice and simple and linear like a book. Or just let me watch someone else play the game.

On the bright side, Okami is very, very pretty. I love the watercolor/ink painting look of it. I just wish I didn't suck so badly!


Today's xkcd is something I think everyone should think about.




...yes, I am an organ donor. And so should you be. :D And that's my public service announcement for the month.
femmealunettes: (patience is a geek virtue : Dan Byrd)
Cougar Town was actually way more hilarious than I was expecting it to be. And Dan Byrd is so droll. ♥ That's a weekly downloader.


I didn't realize that no one would be here to drive me to campus. My dad is here but he's zonked on his meds beyond the possibility of driving, and my mom won't be back until well after 5pm.

Next time, I should trade phone numbers with a person. Greg is probably going to think I'm either a complete flake or a bitch because I didn't show up. I think I'm a complete flake.

:( I'm going to distract myself from RL social fail by trying to write fanfic. If I can do that, at least, I'll feel like I'm getting something done.
femmealunettes: (>.> wtf are you on? : Artie)
I was offered a role that was subdivided off three parts that were supposed to be played by the same person.

So I declined.

There's not a whole lot of point in sacrificing multiple hours a week for a three-line role that's supposed to be all part of something else, after all. And it was fun to try out.

I kind of regret losing the ready-made social group. It would have been nice to have a way to make friends with people that seem so cool, but it's really just not worth the time committment. Thanks for offering but I hope the other girl will appreciate having those lines back, you know?


And now I have a silver filling, because my dentist said it would be less likely to decay again than another ceramic one. Not like anyone can see it, but it's there.


At least now I have time to bake that cake this afternoon.

my legs, somebody break them

  • Sep. 16th, 2009 at 6:28 PM
femmealunettes: (Fail; you has it : Spock)
So uh, by the time we got back to campus it was 3:40 and I had class in 20 minutes and when we peeked in the auditorium it looked like everyone was already knowing what they were doing, so I ran like a little bitch instead of growing a spine and stepping up.

Yeah, I'm not proud of myself either.

But Julia, being bold, found out that I can try out tomorrow at 3, and that not only is the cute guy from my Botany class involved with the drama club, but so is the cute guy from my Personality class I've been eye-flirting with the whole class so far, so I can actually talk to him about something besides appreciating his choice in hatwear. So that's a good thing, right? With the whole forcing myself to talk to people deal...

aaaaagh bipolar attack again goddammit I have self-worth around here somewhere, is it under my bed?

*headdesk*

Anyway, return of the sequel to the son of the revenge of the icon meme. [livejournal.com profile] brighteyed_jill and [livejournal.com profile] boombangbing picked overlapping icons, so I'll just do all of them in one lump.


keyword: a severe lack of adjectives here. This is a quote from The Book Of Night With Moon by Diane Duane. Shortest form of backstory: someone sort of accidentally became the daddy to a whole new species, and this was said in trying to communicate with them. It's hard to talk when all you have are nouns, after all. This is used mostly in "I do not think that word means what you think it means" situations.


keyword: I'm a shark! Suck my dick! The singing shark! And Nathan is a shark, so... singing Nathan! Generally applicable wherever Nathan is being discussed.


keyword: danced. it. out. Zachary Quinto on Ellen. Doesn't get much use, I have too many dance icons.


keyword: boldly Van Goghing. Mixing up a little classical art with my classic Trek.


keyword: bruised not broken. Because sometimes you just need to close your eyes, take a breath, and remember that you're the badass who fucking FENCED a bunch of Romulans to death.


keyword: ...uh... Calvin shouldn't be a tiger. But he is one. So clearly this is an icon for confused situations in which something isn't quite right.


keyword: burn motherfucker burn! It's a chibi Rahm Emanuel as drawn by the inestimable [livejournal.com profile] shirozora. I don't remember who he was running after with the flamethrower, but it's useful to have him around to sic on people who piss me off.


keyword: aishiteru. Hiro and Ando fanart by the recently deleted [livejournal.com profile] crash_it_yo, so cute it made my teeth ache and I had to make an icon out of it.


keyword: a container for my joy. [livejournal.com profile] d3adstar has a shirt with this on it, so when I saw it online I had to make an icon of it. Again, doesn't get a lot of use, because sarcastic and happy have other icons. xD

therapy or something

  • Jul. 28th, 2009 at 9:27 PM
femmealunettes: (Default)
Thank you, everybody. I don't know what I'd do without you all reminding me that I'm going to be okay. I'll reply to you all individually tomorrow but right now I just need to get this out and go to bed before I work myself into a panic attack.

Lisa wants me to write down my fears. Well. Here they are.

I'm going back to Plattsburgh for two weeks. I have been gone for nine months. That's long enough to have a baby, and I have done nothing. My social skills (ha) are atrophied, I have nothing interesting to talk about... I'm the same person who left, except lonelier. My friends have all done things-- finished their degrees, had babies or started raising them, moved, broke up or got together...

What if they're ready to see me go again? If they just want to put the boot to my ass when I leave, or worse, before that?


This might sound stupid, but this is actually the thing that has me most worked up:

My friends Scott and Amanda have a daughter, Kenzie. She was three when I left. How good are kids' memories anyway? Is she going to shy away from me? I loved that kid. She made me smile more than anything else last summer when I was thinking fairly regularly of just taking all my sleeping pills at once. What if she acts like I'm some weird new person? I'd be fucking heartbroken.

And I know that's dumb, I know she won't have forgotten me, but this is what's sticking in my head and I can't pry it loose. I'm going to show up with books for her, Olivia the pig and Amelia Bedelia, but what if she won't let me read to her any more?

I know. I'm just letting myself get worked up over nothing, but fears aren't rational. I know my friends aren't going to be sick of me and want me to go, I know nothing's going to happen to my cat while I'm gone, I know that more likely than not I'll be able to walk into some houses and everything will be basically the same...

but damn it, I'm scared.

by no means

  • Feb. 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 PM
femmealunettes: (careful what I say here : Horrible)
Having my least healthy, most destructively co-dependent relationship shoved in my face is now making me reassess all of my relationships in that light.

I am revoltingly attention-needy. I get petulant when I think I'm being shunned or left out or insulted. I try too hard to insert myself into groups of friends so I can feel that connection too.

And I'm too scared to do it offline, so my entire emotional life is being played out online.


This sounds stupid, but I get how Gabriel Gray felt. Unimportant. A gear in a watch. Like I could be more... but not that I'm meant to be more.


Ah, cry moar, I know. I'm gonna suit up and go face an hour-long crying session like a person with a spine.

...and then I'm going to wish like hell that I could buy a pack of cigarettes because FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I want them so bad shouldn't a month be enough to stop craving them? please? when do I get to stop wanting them?

fuck you, firefox.

  • Jan. 28th, 2009 at 10:57 PM
femmealunettes: (brokenhearted boy : Gabriel)
Okay, I said I wasn't going to talk about fic, well I lied.

*CRIES REALLY HARD*

I wrote for [livejournal.com profile] comment_fic twice today. And both times before I finished, Firefox locked up. And I lost everything. I was literally five words away from being done on the second one just now when it froze.

I am so fucking frustrated. It was a decent ficlet, and I just do not have the patience or the energy or, at this point, the motivation to rewrite it. And that pisses me off even more, that I don't want to redo it, because I'm a lazy fuck.

Oh my god, and the only thing I finished today no one except maybe like three people will even read, and my priorities are all out of order, and I'm just going to go eat some cookies and cry in the shower and go to bed.

fuck.


Okay, I lied AGAIN, someone's in the shower and there are no cookies so I just rewrote the fucking thing and it's not as good but whatever, I'm obviously in a self-deprecating state of mind.

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