Weird infidelity: masturbating using one sex toy while fantasizing about a different sex toy. I miss my Rabbit so much.... :(

So this morning I ate an Almond Joy when I woke up and I promptly threw it up immediately after I brushed my teeth. I've been having this nausea problem lately, I gag if anything is touching my throat (so I can't wear my favorite necklace or a scarf wrapped as snug as a turtleneck, and I'm not even trying to wear any of my turtlenecks), when I brush my teeth, and when I walk through certain places on campus (including up the stairwell to my own room, but only going up, and behind the music building, but only going south), and I have no idea why I keep trying to throw up but this morning is the first time I actually did it. So now I'm afraid to eat all these Almond Joys my mother sent me, which makes me sad because they're my favorite chocolate bar.

The only thing I can figure is that I am subconsciously trying to become bulimic because I'm gaining weight again, which doesn't actually make any sense. I'm only up to 168, I still fit into a size 12 fine, I don't think I'm getting fat or anything... I just keep getting the urge to puke, and I have to do some frantic deep breathing to keep myself from actually doing it. A month ago I honestly thought I was pregnant because I kept getting sick, but I've had my period since then, I know for sure that's not the problem here. If I thought the incompetent doctors at the med center could help me, I'd try to go there, but they're pretty much useless and I don't have time to waste in the waiting room.

So my day started off pretty sucky, but it got better rapidly. Work was super easy, and I got to use office supplies to run off the posters for the Zap Panel, got those approved before lunch, and started posting them all over the academic buildings. I took my Biopsych test in about five minutes and I got a 94 on it. If I get above a 90 on the third test, I get to skip the final.

I sat in Macmillan for the hour between finishing the test and the start of Poetry Writing, and I wrote another villanelle. Which means in the past 24 hours, I've written three villanelles, two sonnets, and one free verse poem. I really need to be working on my thesis, but poetry just keeps happening. I wish I could just turn in poetry instead of a thesis. I'd much rather do an English thesis than a psych thesis, because then I could just turn in thirty poems and be done with it.

Anyways. Poetry Writing went well, like it almost always does, and Professor Bennett reminded us that there was going to be a poetry reading event from the magazine Healing Muse, plus a dinner, and special dinners are always more edible than normal dining hall food, so I was on that like white on rice. Then when I was sitting in the AER eating, Bennett came up to me and asked if I wanted to read anything, so I picked a poem that reminded me very much of Lemony Snicket, and... not to be self-absorbed or anything, but I honestly think I did the best reading aside from maybe one or two of the people who were reading their own work. I am VERY good at reading things with the cadence of speech, I'm excellent at humorous reading, and even though my hands were trembling wildly, my voice was rock steady. And lots of people told me I read very well, and the person who was reading after me said "Well, how can I follow that?" so I'm just... preening like a peacock on the inside.

I miss doing podfic. I miss having the time to do podfic. I really love reading aloud, you guys, it makes me so happy to interpret other people's work and have people think my reading adds something to the text. And I have such a long list of things I want to record, at least half a dozen things by irisbleufic and that entire X-Men college AU by gyzym, and I have no idea when I'll be able to get to any of it because I'm basically writing papers from now until the end of the semester, and then I am doing my internship, and then when I get back to school I'm going to be busy again although not as busy as I am writing my thesis.

And tomorrow I have a meeting with my thesis advisor, who is also my academic advisor, and I really need to have some concrete progress made on my thesis because I haven't written anything since the last time I met with her two weeks ago and she's going to be SO disappointed in me, I'm disappointed in myself, and Morfei sent out an email today saying "OH BY THE WAY YOUR THESES SHOULD BASICALLY BE COMPLETE BY NEXT FRIDAY" even though they're not due until the 22nd, and I am not going to have time to write this weekend because Julia and Ricky are coming tomorrow and staying through Sunday, and Erotic Ball is on Saturday, and Little Fears is on Sunday, and I know I really need to MAKE the time, but oh my god fuck neuroscience right in the ear.

BREATHE.

So I should be working on my thesis right now, but I am writing an LJ entry. And trying to write a poem about my experience as a person who's been bipolar since basically age fifteen even though I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was eighteen. And how much it sucked to go through that mixed state right around the time I was diagnosed, when I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop thinking about terrible disasters happening and I was writing about five thousand words a day because the only thing I could do competently was roleplay and write porn. And how the only way I'm not psychotic is because I'm properly medicated and I have learned a lot of coping techniques, and even though I don't go up and down eight times a day any more I'm still technically rapid cycling bipolar II, and all it would take is forgetting my medication for a few days and I would lose my very careful grip on everything. And how I went into psychology so I could understand myself, really. And how I am using poetry as a coping mechanism. And I will probably never show this poem to anybody, but it feels absolutely vital that I write it for myself.

So... I'm not going to bed for a while. I may have to stay up until 2 or 3 doing thesis work. I may have to drink copious amounts of tea. And most of the time when I stay up very late at night, I stay up late because I'm talking to Phillip and I completely lose track of time when I'm having a conversation with him, but he went to bed at like 9, so I am doing this on my own. And honestly that's probably a good thing because when I'm talking to him that's usually the only thing I'm doing.

But. All things considered, today has been very good. I feel pleased with myself, which is a good place to be when I have to do something intellectually challenging, and fuck, neuroscience is SO challenging, I still have very little idea of what I'm doing but I'm so damn good at faking it that I amaze even myself. We'll see how well that works here.