I work, as if you didn't all know, at the Salvation Army. I'm a secretary, I handle a lot of the social services work and answer phones and stuff. So I deal with a lot of the batshit crazy element of my community.

On the phones, though, things are usually bearable. I had a call today that pissed me off so much I was literally trembling. And this lady isn't even part of the community.

Me: the lovely, usually level-headed secretary
BSC: the batshit crazy "Christian"

BSC: "You don't know what Christian is!"
Me: "Trust me, I know from Christian, and you, lady, are no Christian."


Me: Good morning, Salvation Army!
BSC: Hi, can you tell me if there's an Assemblies of God church in Plattsburgh?
Me: Um... no, I'm not sure if there is, did you try looking in the phone book?
BSC: It's not in the newspaper. I'm a traveling businesswoman, I look in the newspaper to find the times for church services.
Me: Well, if you travel, these things are usually listed in a hotel's directory...
BSC: Because I ran into this lady and she said she attends the Assemblies of God in Plattsburgh, and I can't find it.
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't know how you'd find it if it's not in the phone book.
BSC: I'm just looking for a good born-again Christian church to attend. How far away is Ticonderoga?
Me: Pretty far...
BSC: Lake Placid?
Me: Yeah, that's a pretty long shot too.
BSC: Malone?
Me: An hour away. Look, if you need a church, the Salvation Army is a preaching institution, we have services every Sunday at 11 a.m.
BSC: But is it a born-again Christian church?
Me: Well, isn't that the only kind? (oh, I should have just agreed and let it go...)
BSC: No! No, Catholics aren't born again, Protestants aren't...
Me: Ma'am, that's not true.
BSC: You don't know what you're talking about. Being born-again is about asking Jesus into your heart and accepting him.
Me: Yes, I know that, and I'm saying that it's not dependant on denomination. You can be a Catholic or a Protestant or a Wesleyan or a Baptist and still be born-again.
BSC: You're wrong. Catholics and Protestants aren't Christians.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm a pastor's daughter, I understand what it is to be Christian and to be born-again--
BSC: I don't care. You don't know-- you're obviously not born again.
Me: (getting pissed, less at the accusation of faith than the accusation of being incorrect) Ma'am, I take offense at that. You can't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.
BSC: I'm sorry, but you're obviously not--
Me: (hangs up HARD, staring at the phone) Bitch.

So, yeah, maybe I'm a hypocrite, maybe it's stupid to argue something I'm not entirely faithful to, but I HATE HATE HATE stupid faux-christians who just make the really faithful, decent, Christlike ones look like a bunch of tools by association.

Un-dear lady who called me today,

Please. Come to my church on Christmas. I dare you. I know what your voice sounds like, I know you're not from around here.

You know what? You were right about one thing. I'm not a born-again Christian anymore, and I have no qualms at all at punching your fucking face in. Not even on Christmas.

I triple-dog dare you, bitch.

Yours in Christ knuckle-cracking anticipation,
your friendly neighborhood Salvation Army secretary.