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Sep. 7th, 2011

  • 10:28 PM
femmealunettes: (libraries are fun. : Sherlock)
So I have a journal where I'm posting all my poetry for this semester.

If you are even remotely interested in my amateur poetry, or want to offer criticism, it's [livejournal.com profile] metaphorliteral.

I am very tired and I spent a couple of hours today feeling really depressed, but I'm fine now. I fucking hate being bipolar. I wish someone could fix me. It wouldn't be so bad if my manic episodes lasted longer than a couple of days. I could use a good manic streak right now and get some shit done, but no, depressed. And lonely, which is stupid when I am surrounded by friends, and participating in so many clubs. I am literally in six clubs as of this moment: SAGA, Sex Collective, Campus Greens, Psych Club, Tea Time Club, and Sugar High, which is the baking club that just met for the first time tonight. Also I am participating in Nerf War and two roleplaying games. If I could just remember people's names I would be so popular.

The whole day wasn't bad-- Amy Staples is back from Florence, so I'm not the only person in Cleveland any more. Amy Torea will be back on the 12th. And Gender, Power, Lit & Film was good, even though I sound like a moron because half the things I say in that class are wrong, but as long as Lohn doesn't actually look at me like I am brain damaged, I'm going to keep speaking up. And I got to talk to Kristie Zieler today, who thinks I am getting manic, but I am pretty sure she won't think that any more when I meet with her on Monday.

I mostly started getting depressed after I went to the library and the journal I need wasn't in the stacks, and ILL refuses to get it for me because it says it SHOULD be in the stacks, so I have to email the ILL lady and say "hey, I really actually need this please", and then the book I needed on reserve wasn't there, so I ended up leaving without getting anything done. I came back later for the reserve book, and then I wrote some shitty poetry about feeling sad and the rain, which is just so cliched, but whatever, I have ~FEELINGS~ and I need to express them in a way that isn't crying or doing something embarrassingly attention-whorey.

Also I was sad because my rats are little fuckers and chewed off a sleeve from the Renfaire dress my parents bought me on my 24th birthday and that I only got to wear once. I might be able to cut the sleeve straight and cut the other one off and wear it again, but my fat arms will be on display and it won't be as pretty as it was supposed to be. I actually seriously considered killing them for about fifteen minutes, but I don't have the stomach to kill anything. All they do is make my life more difficult, though. I never should have got them.

On the bright side, I am loving the new album by St. Vincent, Strange Mercy. I've been listening to it all day. And Ben and Jerry's is coming out with a Schweddy Balls ice cream. And Stephen Fry is going to be naked in the next Sherlock Holmes film, which... would have been more appealing 20 years ago but I'm still not going to say no to that.

And hopefully tomorrow will be better. I just wish it would stop fucking raining.

Comments

[identity profile] emploding.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2011 04:01 am (UTC)
omg that ice-cream sounds awesome. I hate not having proper access to B&J ice-cream :(
[identity profile] speccygeekgrrl.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2011 03:57 pm (UTC)
Schweddy Balls is my favorite SNL sketch, I'm so excited to try the ice cream.
[identity profile] blossommorphine.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2011 04:19 am (UTC)
I admire how you are able to do so much, getting so involved in several clubs and making so many friends. I wish I could be that active. I never learned anyone's names in any of my classes, I'm far too reticent. I always feel slightly out of depth when someone does, as if at any moment they are going to criticize me for something, or that I'm somehow not living up to a random stranger's expectations. I sympathize with wishing that someone could just wave a magic wand and fix me, and stop the bouts of anxiety that hit me like a football to the head.

I think you should express those feelings any way you need to so that they don't interfere with what you want to do. I know LJ/tumblr/FB discourages people from expressing depression in any way, but it's better to get it out than bottling it up I should really take my own advice. Anyone who disapproves can just employ scroll.exe.

Fuck yes, Schweddy Balls ice cream. This is news that many of my friends will appreciate.

Wish we could switch weather. [livejournal.com profile] megmatthews20 is coming home Saturday, and she adores the rain.

[identity profile] speccygeekgrrl.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
I only hope I can keep up this level of activity... on top of those clubs and my social life, I am taking 17 credits of classes, writing my thesis, and working 8 hours a week. I am tired more often than not, and when I get sad all I want to do is sleep.

I never really have a problem with talking about my depression, though. I'm pretty open about how I feel, whether it's good or bad.

I would trade you weather in a heartbeat. There's been a lot of flooding in central NY and it's supposed to rain more over the next couple of days.

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