would be a good title for something. I should run with it. I haven't indulged my mythology habit in too long.

I should hit the library. Grab some myth books, some Ginsberg and Eliot and something deep and incomprehensible I can force myself to have to focus on, something dense and looping around itself until it's hung with its own words.

I don't know what to do with words anymore. Most of mine seem to be lies, happy fronts when I just want to lash out with them and drive people away. And I don't know why I don't, because the ones I want to keep near me, I don't want to lash out at in the least. Just the people I should have cut ties with ages ago, the ones I have nothing in common with, the ones that make me feel angry just to think about. but I'm not the kind of person to lash out, so I'm sinking with these albatrosses around my neck, too scared to cut the damn things off.

God, fuck this timidity so much. I wish I was half as brave on the outside as I am in my head. I never would get into these retarded positions if I just spoke up and said "fuck off" once in a while when I meant it and not just joking around with the people I actually care about.

Also, I am a hypocrite and a bitch, and I'm starting to enjoy that. So. I don't know. Where do I stop being nice and start being a coward? I would take my bravery back at the cost of my niceness. Because being nice just gets you stepped on, and fuck that.


I just miss being able to sit in a room and focus on what people are saying. I feel like such a jerk because I'm a space case whenever I go out with Kristin and Amber and they deserve better of me than absent-mindedness and the constant "what?" I miss Kierstin and Carol and Maggie.


Today was okay. I'm still all worn out and stressy, all breakouts and oily hair and bleh. And I feel bleh. I want it to be November or at least not this week any more. I would like to skip the next 24 hours and go right to payday, to movie day, to sit-around-and-rp-until-ridiculous-o'clock day. Or right up to November and being on the greyhound heading south, the big event of my fall.

I'm just fed up and mean and annoyed at myself for not growing a pair and just getting rid of these life-sucking weeds strangling me out. People lead to stress lead to more stress lead to ranty self-accusatory hate-filled LJ posts, lather rinse repeat.


So in better news, I might be getting BPAL tomorrow. And today I got a nifty grey zip-hoodie from Old Navy, where I never shop, but it's soft and warm so yays. And I'm totally getting another one of the awesome hats via garbarella's talented fingerses, which I am excited about, and I should take pictures wearing the ones I have because hey, happy customer things are good for selling more things. (If any of you like awesome floppy hats, hit that lady up. I adore my berettamsnoods!)

And, um, Lost: I totally called it. Now let's quit with the Jackbacks and get with the OTHER plotlines.

CSI tomorrow! And OC, which I missed last week, and oh please you mean Ryan and Marissa haven't done it yet? Yeah, that's believable. I so need to catch up with that whole show. Like everything from 01x04 on. :D I am such the loser. YAY TV.